The Delta House

Alex's Mom

2008-07-09T13:16:00.002-05:00

For those of you don't know who Alex and his mom are, please click here. Go ahead, I'll wait.

OK, now that you know, what do you think about Alex's mom? Well, here is what I think...

Who the hell does this bitch think that she is? First off, if John McCain is elected President, doesn't she realize that he has a shelf life of about ten more years, max? Is he really going to be influential in determining foreign policy posthumously? Give me a break lady.

Does she plan on being so overbearing in poor little Alex's life that he won't be able to make his own decisions? Is she going to determine where he goes to college? Wears boxers or briefs? Who he marries? What car insurance he buys? What if little Alex grows up to be a six foot three, 240-lb bad ass that just can't wait to join the Marines and kill bad guys? What are you going to do then, Alex's mom?

And exactly who does this woman expect to defend and protect this country? Let someone else do it, I suppose. As Col. Jessup said in A Few Good Men, she rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom the military provides, then questions the manner in which they provide it.

I am glad to see that there are several patriots out there that have made their own video responses and posted them on youtube. Here is one of my favorites...

Ladies and Gentlemen...

2008-06-11T06:42:00.002-05:00

I present to you, Miss Teen South Carolina!! Or is it Carl Lewis trying to get through the National Anthem? You decide!

She's Here!!

2008-06-02T09:59:00.003-05:00

Genevieve was born Thursday, May 29th at 5:58pm, measuring 19.5" and 7lbs, 9oz. Both she and momma are home and doing great.

...and Jake said we can keep her!

Something New

2008-05-21T14:14:00.003-05:00

I didn't realize how long it has been since I've written anything on this blog until I saw the date on my last post. Needless to say, I've been busy.

I have a job, and I love it. I am now a construction superintendent for a utility contractor. Granted, the title isn't as sexy as Senior Technician, but I have a much shorter commute, get paid the same amount, and my employer now pays all of my health and dental insurance premiums. Praise God!
Another benefit of my new job: Heavy Equipment is Available! I used a skid steer to clear the front and back yards and will be hydroseeding them soon. Also, I finally demolished the incredibly dangerous deck that was attached to my house when we bought it. Now all I need is a couple of grand to build a new one.
Baby Genevieve is due any day now! Momma and Jake had a nasty bout with the stomach flu last week, but they are better now and we are clear for launch!
My side business is starting to pick up, just in time to have a new-born in the house. PERFECT TIMING!
The Dems are a mess and I am loving every second of it! I hope Hill stays in it until November!

Anyway, More later...

So What's New?

2008-03-12T12:44:00.003-05:00

Lots.

First off, I am still unemployed at this moment. That could change at any time, and I have gotten a handful of calls over the past few days that make me think that it will soon.

But right now, I feel like a girl that is dating several guys at once and waiting for a marriage proposal. In other words, there ain't no ring on my finger, yo!

Seriously, though I have really enjoyed the past several weeks at home with my family it's time to get back to work. Not just for the obvious financial reasons, but for the sake of my sanity.

I am quite sure that I have seen every episode of The Backyardigans, The Wonder Pets, and Go Diego, Go at least 20 times now and I am afraid that if I don't get out soon, I'm gonna climb the tower.

Hopefully the weather will cooperate a little for the rest of the time that I am at home so Jake can do some outdoor activities, like play on his birthday gift. That's right folks, Jake turns two on Sunday, all 40 inches and 43lbs of him.

Yeah, he's huge.

Life is Just a Tire Swing

2008-03-07T15:05:00.002-05:00

I remember the smell of the creosote plant,
When we'd have to eat on Easter with my
Crazy old uncle and aunt.
They lived in a big house Ante Bellum style,
And the wind would blow across the old bayou,
And I was a tranquil little child.

Life was just a tire swing.
'Jambalaya' was the only song I could sing.
Blackberry pickin', eatin' fried chicken,
And I never knew a thing about pain.
Life was just a tire swing.

In a few summers my folks packed me off to camp;
Yeah, me and my cousin' Baxter
In our pup tent with a lamp.
And in a few days Baxter went home,
And he left me by myself.
And I knew that I'd stay, it was better that way,
And I could get along without any help.
Life was just a tire swing.

And I've never been west of New Orleans
Nor east of Pensacola.
My only contact with the outside
world was a n R.C.A. Victrola.
Elvis would sing and then I'd dream about
expensive cars, and who would've figured twenty
years later I'd be rubbing shoulders with the stars.
Life was just a tire swing.

'Jambalaya' was the only song I could sing.
Chasin' after sparrows with rubber tip arrows,
Knowin' I could never hurt a thing,
And life was just a tire swing.

Then the other morning on some Illinois road
I fell asleep at the wheel,
But was quickly wakened up by a 'Ma Bell'
telephone pole, and a bunch of Grant Wood
Faces screaming, 'Is he still alive?'
But through the window could see
it hangin' from a tree, and I knew
I had survived.

Life was just a tire swing.
Jambalaya's still the best song that I can sing.
Blackberry pickin', eatin' fried chicken,
And I finally learned a lot about pain,
'cause life is just a tire swing.

I Need Your Help

2008-02-09T13:25:00.001-05:00

Folks, this is my cousin Dean. You can read about him here, here and here.

Then please donate here.

Thank you for supporting a great cause!

Oh What A Fortnight!

2008-02-02T22:14:00.000-05:00

There is a reason that I have been missing. Two weeks ago, I got laid off from my job. It was rather unceremonious, and quite unexpected, but hey, shit happens.

And now I have pneumonia. I have been taking antibiotics for the past six days and I don't feel any better than when I started. Next stop is the hospital.

That is all for now. Well, almost...

GO GIANTS!!!

The Best A Man Can Get

2008-01-14T15:39:00.000-05:00

I don't think that anyone who reads this blog or has ever met me would find it surprising that I hate Tom Brady, Bill Belicheat, Rodney Harrison and the rest of the New England Patriots. But you may find it a bit strange that I hate their stadium nearly as much.

Don't get me wrong, the building itself is a great venue. I've seen Bruce Springsteen and Jimmy Buffett put on tremendous concerts there, and have gotten paid to work five Jets games as well. Hell, I even saw the Jets win there last year, and got to meet my childhood idol Joe Klecko too!

So why would I hate this place?

Two words: Gillette Stadium

I just have to hate Gillette and their damn razors!

For years, I was satisfied with a disposable razor. Then when I was in college, I used my buddy's Gillette Sensor, and I was hooked. They were only marginally more expensive than your average pack of disposables, but man what a difference!

A few years later, they came out with the Mach 3. I was reluctant to switch since I don't really like change, but I tried it when my wife gave it to me as a stocking stuffer. Oh. My. God. It was the best razor EVER! I almost didn't mind shelling out the eight bucks for four razor cartridges.

Then came the Fusion. To be more precise, the Gillette Fusion Phantom. My wife picked one up for me when we moved this past summer and I have got to say that I don't know how they could ever improve this product. It has five "powerglide" blades and runs on a AAA battery and shaves closer and more comfortable than anything on the planet.

So why do I hate Gillette? Because the cartridges cost $15 for a four pack. That's right, $3.75 each. If you can get a weeks' worth of shaving out of one cartridge, that is $195 a year!

Sure, I could buy a cheaper razor, but there really is no turning back once you've experienced the Phantom! Anything else is just slumming.

BASTARDS!

Happy Elvismas!

2008-01-08T08:22:00.001-05:00

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Work Sucks

2007-12-03T13:21:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know, it sucks for mostly everyone. But it has really taken a huge chunk out of my life lately and I am a little bitter about it. I do have a week off at Christmas, though, so there is something to look forward to.

I am relieved that my beloved New York Jets managed to beat the winless Dolphins yesterday. If you are a Jets fan, you know that game scared the hell out of you.

I am saddened by the death of the great Evel Knievel. I remember watching him jump over, well, everything when I was a kid and I thought that he was the coolest guy alive. Not to mention that he had the greatest quote ever on the Jim Rome show a couple of years ago: When asked why he would jump the Snake River knowing that he had a 50/50 chance of crashing to his death, he replied "Do you know who the hell I am?"

I am ecstatic that I got to listen to the new Imus morning show today on my drive into work. He shouldn't have been fired in the first place and I am glad that he and the whole crew are back.

I am excited that Christmas is nearly here. Jake is pretty stoked too.

I am thankful that Oklahoma and Pitt won this weekend because the thought of a West Virginia v. Missouri National College Football Championship game was just way too painful to contemplate.

I Have Proof

2007-11-12T17:00:00.000-05:00

...that common sense is dead in America.

I was watching Iron Chef America the other night and a commercial came on for Valtrex. Why they would be showing a commercial for genital herpes medication during a cooking show, I have no idea, but I am getting sidetracked.

The commercial listed several interesting facts about genital herpes, then they dropped this bomb on the viewer:

In fact, one study found that up to 70% of people who had herpes got it from their partner when their partner had no signs or symptoms of an outbreak.

I really need to analyze this statement a little further.

First off, about how many people have genital herpes? According to their website, about 50 million people in the US have genital herpes.

OK, so what are the signs or symptoms of an outbreak? Well, they include red, sensitive skin, visible sores, blisters, and even "discharge". Simply put, it would be awfully difficult to miss the signs, even in the throws of passion.

From the data collected above, I can safely assume that approximately 15 million people in this country saw an infected hoo hoo dilly or chacha and hit it anyway.

Like I said, common sense is dead.

GO COLTS!

2007-11-02T10:24:00.000-05:00

Yet Another Gratuitous Picture of Jake

2007-10-29T08:54:00.000-05:00

From the picture to the right, three things are very apparent:

My little boy is growing up quickly.
At 19-months, he is bigger than most 3-year olds.
He's got a beautiful momma at home.

The answer is: Time and Money

2007-10-22T16:45:00.001-05:00

The question is, of course,"What are two things that I never seem to have enough of?"

I know that I am not alone on this topic, but man, this is depressing. I remember when I was a young fella, I always seemed to have plenty of both. At least it seemed that way.

And when I think about it, I should have had much, much less.

I certainly make more money than I did when I was in my 20s, but I always seem to be broke these days. I used to make about $300 a week but I always had some cash in my pocket and all of my bills got paid. Now, the only thing in my pock is lint.

And I used to work two jobs while going to school full time, but I still had a social life and actually had time to go to the gym almost every day.

So what changed?

I think that I know.

I moved out of mom and dad's place, got married and had a child. These factors explain the lack of both money and time in my life.

Now I wouldn't trade my family for a few extra bucks and a little "me time", but I would think that there has to be a way to have it all. Right?

Well, got any suggestions?

Things of Which I Have Grown Tiresome

2007-10-16T09:33:00.000-05:00

Tanya Roberts pimping resort destinations in Orlando and Las Vegas.
Tim McCarver
My 75-minute each way commute to work
Criticism of any Presidential candidate's wife
The New York Yankees/Joe Torre saga
Chad Pennington's inability to throw the ball downfield
Christmas displays in stores. (And its only October!)
Cavemen
Paris/Lindsay/Britney, etc.
Paying $13 for 4 refill cartridges for my razor
The love affair that all sportscasters have with the Colorado Rockies
Never being able to find organic milk in gallon containers

I'm sure that there are more, but that's all I have for now. Feel free to add to this list...

Blah!

2007-10-11T12:54:00.000-05:00

My son has croup and I had whatever the adult equivelant of croup is. I was miserable for a few days, but now I am feeling much better. As for Jake, he is on some prescriptions and seems to be rounding the corner. I think that he will be fine by the weekend.

Of course he caught croup in the same place that he catches every cold; the church nursery. It seems like everytime that we put him in there he comes home with the sniffles. Some people just don't understand the concept of staying home when a child is sick. Not only for their benefit, but for the benefit of everyone else they may come in contact with.

I have decided to get into better shape. You see, I have what doctors might call a little bit of a weight problem. Anyway, I started today by having a salad for lunch. Granted it was a salad topped with cheese, bacon, fried chicken and blue cheese dressing, but it was a salad nonetheless. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

Reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated.

2007-09-27T00:58:00.000-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I have returned.

I needed a bit of a sabbatical to recharge the old batteries, and the urge to post something has surely returned. But so much has happened since I last posted that I don't really know where to begin.

Well, I start with the big announcement: The Flounder has spawned again! That's right, Jake is going to be a big brother sometime in May 2008 and I couldn't be happier! Mom has already put in her order for a granddaughter, so no pressure there. This is also further proof that God has a sense of humor as this pregnancy comes two months after we move from a 2800'sq house to one just under 1900'sq. But I digress...

How 'bout them cheatin' New England Patriots! They tried to pull that crap in our house (or at least the house that the Giants let us use) and Mangini got them busted. I love that shit!

I have appliances! After three months of cooking everything on our grill, we can actually make dinner indoors like normal folks. Now if only I could get my dishwasher installed, life would be great!

Today is my 10th wedding anniversary, and Meat Loaf's 60th birthday. Coincidence? I think not!

I'm tired and don't feel like writing another thing. AMF!

TGIF

2007-08-17T07:45:00.000-05:00

While sitting in traffic this morning, I observed an elderly woman driving a Toyota Prius, wearing some fabulous D&G shades, sipping her Starbucks mocha chino and gabbing away on her bluetooth headset. It was very surreal. My guess is that she was probably explaining to her grandchildren exactly why they would be getting a very small inheritance.

I currently have 16 tickets, parking passes and access to a luxury suite at Gillette Stadium on September 2nd to see Jimmy Buffett. Someday I will be explaining to Jake why he will be getting a very small inheritance. Anyway, wanna go?

My parents wanted to come up this weekend for a visit, but I gave them the Heisman. My house is still under re-construction and everything is a mess, and we won't have a stove, microwave or dishwasher until Labor Day weekend. This would make my mother crazy, who would then drive my wife completely nuts. And because shit rolls down hill, guess who would get clobbered by both of them? You got it.

My wife and I were in the doctor's office a couple of weeks ago and some dude starting hitting on her. Right in front of me and my son, as if I was her gay brother or something. He wasn't even there to see the doctor. He was looking for a pair of lost sunglasses. After a few minutes of his charming banter with her, I reminded him what happened the last time that a stranger, a blond beauty, some lost sunglasses and a jealous former football-playing husband were all in the same room. That is about the time that he "remembered" that his sunglasses might be somewhere else and kindly excused himself.

Gwen Stefani's song Sweet Escape is stuck in my head. Not the whole song, just the Who-hoo, whee-hoo part. The only thing worse would be Barney's theme.

I need to do some cooking this weekend. Every meal that I have consumed in the last three weeks has come from a diner, fast food joint, or off the electric griddle. I need some home-made fajitas or a grilled pizza or something. Oh yes, it will happen.

I've got my 20th HS reunion coming up and I really can't wait. It is going to be awesome to see how many of the high school hotties have turned into fat, bitter, skanky ex-wives with three kids and a deadbeat daddy. I personally have nothing to worry about because I have always been the fat kid and have absolutely no expectations to live up to. But there are more than a few girls ~~that blew me off in high school~~ who I can't wait to see.

Holy Cow!

2007-08-14T12:08:00.000-05:00

Phil Rizzuto has died at the age of 89. Even a Yankee hater like me is a little saddened by this news.

For those of you unfamiliar with "The Scooter", he played shortstop for Yankees for 15 years, winning the MVP award in 1950. After he retired, he broadcast Yankee games on the radio and TV for forty years. He is also a member of baseball's Hall of Fame.

For those of you unfamiliar with baseball, he was the play-by-play announcer in Meatloaf's Paradise by the Dashboard Light, known for his catch saying, HOLY COW!

I watched a lot of baseball while I was growing up, including quite a few Yankees games. The best thing about the Scooter in the broadcast booth was that at times, he would completely forget that there was a game taking place. He would focus on where he and his broadcast partner Bill White were going to eat dinner that night or say happy birthday to Maria Columbo out in Astoria who was turning 93. Truthfully, you never knew what might come out of his mouth.

We'll miss you, Scooter.

It's About Damn Time...

2007-08-06T06:53:00.000-05:00

for me to post something on this waste of bandwidth, so here we go.

Since the Sox were on the left coast this weekend, I was listening to the Yankees game on the radio Saturday and got an unexpected delight. No, it wasn't that I heard A-Rod hit his 500th career home run. It was that I heard the voice of the Yankees, John Sterling, blow the call.

For those of you lucky bastards that have never heard a Yankees game broadcast over the radio, let me bring you up to speed. Sterling has a very distinct and very annoying "home run call". When the ball is hit, he says that ball is high, it is far, it is GONE! Well, for A-Rod's historic home run, he paused because he wasn't sure that it was a fair ball. After about three seconds of dead air, he said It's gone, then went into what seemed like a script about Rodriguez becoming the youngest player ever to hit 500 home runs. Of course he had to finish it off with his signature an A-Bomb, from A-Rod.

Two batter later, Sterling was at it again. Melky Cabrera hit a long ball to left and Sterling's call went like this; It is high, it is far, it's.... off the wall! It was an absolute joy for a Sox fan like me to hear him blow it twice in a game. Let's face it folks, you can plan out history.

Questions

2007-07-25T09:10:00.000-05:00

Leave me a comment saying “Interview me.” I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions. If you don't have a valid email address on your blog, please provide one. You will update your blog with a post containing your answers to the questions. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

I've been interviewed by the greatness of Todd.

1.) If you were forced to live your life either fifty years in the past or fifty years in the future, which would you choose and why? Elvis, Sputnik, hot rods, the Edsel, Willie, Mickey and the Duke versus being a robot slave in a post-apocalyptic world? Definitely fifty years in the past.

2.) Is a New Englander's false sense of superiority something that he's born with, or is it taught over time? I think that it is something that is taught over time. Also, the further north that you travel, the worse it gets.

3.) Why is Alex Rodriquez such a mangina? I'm not entirely sure, but I guess that it has something to do with being friends with Derek Jeter and playing for the Yankees.

4.) If you had to eat one food item every day for the rest of your life, which would it be and why? A White House Special. It nails all four food groups in a convenient package. Plus, it taste like Jesus himself made it just for me.

5.) In your opinion, who is the most overrated band in the history of rock music? Without a doubt, it's Boston. They made all of three albums over ten years, and every song sounds exactly the same. And for some reason, classic rock stations treat them like royalty.

New Randomness

2007-07-12T07:12:00.001-05:00

I think that one of the greatest insults that you can throw at somebody is to tell them to go get their shine box. If they don't understand it, it's even better.

I didn't watch any of baseball's All-Star game this year. I just wasn't interested in the least bit. I remember when I was a kid and I used to watch the game with my dad. It was like a big deal, something that we really looked forward to every summer. I still love baseball, but I just had no interest in watching it. I wonder what changed.

The Sox start the second half of the season tonight with a 10-game lead over Blue Jays and the Evil Empire. How do you like them apples Yankee fans?

My house is nearly done, on the inside. The kitchen cabinets are installed and all that remains is the trim work. Some electrical work needs to be done so that we can install some of the lighting, but my buddy Dana should be over this weekend to help with that. The tile in the bathroom and entry are still not done, but hopefully they will be completed soon. I have a healthy beard going right now because I can't install the vanity and mirror until the floor is done and I'm not shaving blindly.

Never eat a Taco Bell gordita before a 90 minute drive. Trust me on that one.

One of my co-workers just had all of his bank accounts wiped out by someone who stole his check card number when he placed an ad on-line to sell his car. He found out what had happened when he tried to fill up his gas tank on the family vacation to Maine and it was declined. Then, on his way home a few days later, a re-tread from a semi ripped off and tore apart his passenger-side quarter panel on his car. All of this was topped off when he got home and found out that one cousin had been in an accident and had a head wound causing amnesia, and another cousin was diagnosed with Leukemia at the age of two. I guess that things aren't going that bad for me after all.

If I had anything to say...

2007-07-06T13:31:00.001-05:00

I would have said it by now.

I'm beat down. Exhausted. Miserable.

Moving sucks. Moving from a big house to a smaller one sucks worse.

Hopefully soon I will be back to my jovial self, but I just don't see it right now.

Have a good weekend.

The Big Blur

2007-06-19T13:56:00.000-05:00

This past weekend went by so quickly that I am pretty sure I missed it. We closed on the sale of our house last Friday afternoon and moved into the new chateau in RI. Apparently living in a house for 5 years is just enough time to forget just how much you really hate moving. And going from a 2,300' sq house with a huge storage attick to a 1,800' sq with no storage is just like shoving 10 pounds of shit into a 5 pound sack. I still have a 10' truck that I haven't even thought about unpacking yet.

Construction is still in progress on the new place and right now, we have plywood bathroom, kitchen and foyer floors. Our base kitchen cabinets are in the house, just not installed. I have no idea where any of my clothes are, and we had Verizon Fios installed even though we can't find the phone or computer. We have no operational sinks, but we do have a toilet and a shower, so life isn't all that bad. I'll post some before and after pics when it is all done.

Next week, we are going down to my mom's place in Jersey for a little R&R, and when we get back, the place should be just about finished. I may shorten the trip a bit to get some work done around the place, mainly preparing for the mother of all yard sales. The proceeds from the yard sale will be paying for the new deck (or my plasma tv), but I think that is still a few weeks away.

Anyway, I'm exhausted and am really looking forward to some rest and beers on the deck of the Greenhouse with old friends and Brooke (If she doesn't wimp out). If I get lucky, I'll even get Buffett tickets for 6/30.

OMG - Twice in a week?

2007-06-13T06:31:00.000-05:00

I saw something the other night that reminded me why I started to blog in the first place. I saw something that gave me something to bitch about.

I was in line at the Stop & Shop, the same market where this happened. The twenty-something prison-tat-and-no-bra-wearing, goonie-goo-goo-speaking "girl" in front of me was talking on her cell phone and was about to check out. Surely she would hang up in order to complete her transaction, right? Nope.

She kept on rambling on aimlessly while the young girl behind the register remained professional, checking out her Twinkies, frozen burritos, Ramen noodles and Mac-N-Cheese. Then she whipped out her EBT card, swiped it, picked up her bags and left. She never even acknowledged the girl behind the counter with so much as a grunt.

The cashier turned, looked at me and said, "So when did that become socially acceptable?" I replied,"It isn't".

Now I'm not sure which disturbs me more. Is it the absolutely rude behavior of the bigfoot bitch or is it the fact that someone who is living on government assistance has a cell phone? She can't buy her own groceries, but she can afford a monthly cell bill? I'll bet that she has a better cable package than I do too.

Look, I'm not cracking on people that need some government assistance to get by. We've all needed some help from someone at some point in our lives, but it is becoming a lifestyle for too many. Government programs are supposed to be for the short term, but enabling a behavior will ensure that a temporary situation becomes permanent.

Things for which I am thankful today...

2007-06-11T06:24:00.000-05:00

I did not invest one minute over the past seven years in becoming addicted to The Soprano's, therefor, I am not completely disappointed by the series finale.

My son threw a ball to me yesterday! Well, it was in my direction at least.

My new cell phone and provider kicks ass! No more dropped calls!

The closing date on my home sale has been moved up to this Friday, 6/15! Now I will really be able to enjoy my Father's Day!

I have a lot of friends that have good stuff, and they let me borrow their good stuff often. (This is not a drug reference!!)

I have a friend named Joe that is doing most of the renovation work on my new house. He only charges me $20/hour, he does really excellent work, and he has been running a tab until my house sold (his idea, not mine).

I have another friend named Morgan that has also done a ton of work on both houses, and he works for free because he loves me! I am taking both of them to the Nordic Lodge for a throwdown as a little "thank you" gift.

Dells Lemonade. It's a Rhode Island thing.

Random Update

2007-06-05T06:33:00.000-05:00

The original buyers of my house finally caved in and signed the papers to release the deposit to me. (Praise God!) We were able to list and show the house again, and the deposit just paid for my new kitchen cabinets!

Well, my house has sold... again! We accepted basically the same offer, but we are able to keep all of our appliances and the buyers are taking care of all of the pool repairs. We are closing on 6/21, so time is short for getting the new place ready, but I think that we will make it. (Again, praise God!)

I finally broke down and bought new cell phones for my wife and I. Though I still need to carry my crappy Cingular/AT&T phone for work, I now have a sweet Verizon LG Chocolate. I am quite sure that I will need to wait until Jake is old enough to teach me how to use it, but it looks really cool.

Jimmy Buffett is playing at the Atlantic City Boardwalk Hall, the site of like a hundred Ms. America pageants. I was born in the Frank Sinatra wing of the Atlantic City Medical Center, and I am a huge Parrotthead! Tickets sold out in 15 minutes, and I didn't get any. I will be at that show, one way or another. It is my density, err, destiny.

My brother and his wife are expecting their seventh child in December. Though it would be really easy to make a joke about having so many kids (It's a vagina, not a clown car!), I am truly happy for them. All of the kids are healthy and well-behaved and they are a very close family. One of my friend's made a comment that a parent always wants their child to have a better life than they had, and he didn't see how that was economically possible with seven children and one income. I told him that though they have to shop in thrift stores and vacation a little less, they already have a "better life" than my brother did because both parents live in the same house. My brother's mom and our dad divorced when he was very young, so his children already have a step up from his childhood.

The same friend had been out of work for the past year or so, and recently got a job. He started, then two weeks later resigned because a better offer came along. A month after he started the new job, he got a promotion and a raise. I on the other hand, have been in the same job for 5 years and have gotten only one raise. I guess that life really isn't fair.

A waitress at the Hooters where we have our Friday lunches told us that she was undergoing surgery last Saturday to remove a malignant cyst from her one of her ovaries. She is only 21, and it kind of bummed me out for the rest of the day. We went there for lunch yesterday, and I asked another waitress how the surgery went. She told me that the other girl was spotted out at a club drinking on Saturday night, so everything must have gone alright. Now this girl has the biggest implants that I have ever seen on a 5' 3" rack and she is telling tales of cancer and surgery? Can you say, Attention Whore?

What to do...

2007-05-25T05:51:00.000-05:00

I have so many things that I could post about today:

BBQ contest in PA last weekend
House sale progress
New house renovation progress
Upcoming Jimmy Buffett concert in my hometown of Atlantic City
The Great Flounder Family Frog Holocaust of 2007
Revenge of the Tadpole
The awesomeness of Jake
John Wayne's 100th Birthday
What really sucks about owning two houses
How busy work has been

But I have no time for any of this right now. Instead I'll just say have a great Memorial Day weekend, eat some charred flesh off the grill, drink some cold beer and watch at least one John Wayne movie this weekend. You owe it to the Duke!

Soooo Much Going On...

2007-05-15T14:05:00.000-05:00

This week is so filled with fun and excitement that I can hardly contain myself. We may have a couple of resolutions on the house issue, I am cleaning and repairing a pool, work is slamming, and I am going to compete in my first BBQ contest of the year this weekend. If you find yourself near Yardly, PA, stop by and have some ribs and beers with us!

Anyway, I will update everything later, but for now, here is a shameless picture of my adorable

son Jake.

Not so fast my friend!

2007-05-04T09:10:00.000-05:00

Well, I thought that my house was sold. Turns out that the buyers got cold feet and are pulling out. They want their security deposit back even though contracturally, I am not obligated to give them a back a penny.

My house can't be re-listed until the purchase and sales agreement is terminated by both parties, and I am not signing anything that gives them back the deposit, and they are not signing anything if I keep the deposit.

So it looks like we'll have to tell it to the judge, which really sucks. This takes time and my house sits in limbo as I continue to make two mortgage payments. Yeah, I'm pissed.

These buyers have absolutely no right to any of that deposit and yet they want to tie me and my house up because time is on their side. I might have to call some of my Jersey boys to make them an offer they can't refuse.

Stay tuned....

Modern Math

2007-04-21T09:33:00.000-05:00

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )

6. Teaching Math In 2007
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones e s $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

SOLD!

2007-04-20T06:15:00.000-05:00

That's right folks, Casa de Flounder has been sold, and not a moment too soon. It not that I really had a problem with paying two mortgages, it's just that I....

No wait, that was the problem.

I am the common man, a blue collar worker that gets paid a decent wage for a day's work. I have no business paying over $3k a month in mortgages, plus taxes and utilities, and I have been doing so for four months.

Now the hard part comes; moving. It's hard for two reasons. The first is the obvious one, the act of moving itself. The second is a little more frightening.

You see, the new house is what you would call a fixer-upper, and it is not quite done being fixed. At this moment, it has no kitchen and no bathroom. Well, they are there, but there is no toilet, sinks, tub or cabinets. So I'm going to be busy for a little while making the place liveable.

So for now, a few random non-house-related thoughts.

Don Imus got screwed. He said something stupid, sincerely apologized, and still lost his job. He was first fired by NBC who had the balls to air that VA Tech loser's "multimedia manifesto" just a week later. Let's see how they take the moral high ground regarding Alec Baldwin now.

I think that the girl at the drive-thru at my local McDonald's is getting pissed at me. Every morning, I go there and get my free small coffee. That's right, free small coffee. I don't actually buy anything there, I just grift the coffee. Hey, they're giving it away, right?

Random Monday

2007-03-26T08:47:00.000-05:00

My son is walking now. He started last weekend, just as my parents were leaving for home. He was crawling all over the place, then stood up and walked across the room to my Dad. He has a flair for the dramatic.

Have you ever heard the song How to Save a Life, by The Fray? Yeah, I'll tell you how to save a life. Quit playing that ass-whipping of a song on the radio because every time that I hear it while I'm driving I want to jerk the steering wheel and crash into a bridge embankment.

The new house is coming along nicely, although the budget is looking sort of sad since the old house hasn't sold yet. We originally wanted to get Corian countertops, then downgraded to granite. Now I think that we will be getting formica countertops, and if it doesn't sell soon, they'll be made of cardboard. Just like the cabinets will be.

Next week is my favorite week of the year. It starts with the college national championship basketball game and baseball's opening day and culminates with the end of the NHL regular season and The Masters Tournament. As a Flyers fan, I think that I am most excited about it being the merciful end of the season. My bold off-season prediction is the Peter Forsberg re-sign with the Flyers this summer.

Some friends and I have compiled a list of things that a fat guy should absolutely never do. Most of the list comes from our experiences as fat guys, so it wasn't meant to be funny, just informative. What do you think?

Skimboard
Ride a mini-motorcycle
Dance to techno music
Play tennis
Sit in plastic lawn chairs
Play Twister
Wear leather pants
Play Dance Dance Revolution, the boxing game, or any other virtual reality games at the arcade
Sit in a papasan chair
Participate in a paintball war
Sleep on an air mattress

One of my coworkers just bought a new mattress and he hates it. It's one of those temper-number-inflatable-adjustable-space-aged ones that costs like $2500, too. Is there anything more frustrating than spending a boat-load of coin on a mattress then being up all night because its uncomfortable?

My mortgage on the new house through GMAC was sold to a new company last week. The new company also happens to be the same mortgage company that services my loan for my old house, Ocwen. Last Wednesday, they left 27 messages on my machine asking me to call them back. I'm not exaggerating, 27. I called them when I got home to see what was the matter, and all they wanted to do was verify my personal and employer information (Which they already had!!). Oh, then they proceeded to call another 9 times.

Goodbye Old Friend

2007-03-22T06:50:00.000-05:00

While driving in to work this morning, I heard some terrible news. Larry "Bud" Melman is dead.

A Reason to Believe

2007-03-14T06:14:00.000-05:00

On October 7, 2002 at around 8pm, my wife and I were in a horrific car accident on the Mass Pike. We were driving towards Boston when we came upon an abandoned car in the high speed lane with no lights or hazards on. I swerved to avoid hitting it, lost control of the Explorer, and rolled the SUV for approximately 300 feet.

When the vehicle finally came to a rest on its roof, my wife crawled out and began frantically looking for me inside the dark wreckage. Moments later, a man appeared seemingly out of nowhere and asked if anyone else was in the vehicle. She told him that I was still inside and non-responsive. He crawled inside and found my cold, clammy and pulse-less arm, then made his way up to my head and found me not breathing. He rolled me over and cleared the vomit from my mouth and I quickly took a deep breath.

My wife thought that he was an angel, though she later found that he was an off-duty Massachusetts State Trooper that nearly hit the abandoned vehicle moments before we came along, and he had pulled over to call into the barracks for assistance.

He literally saved my life.

I was still unconscious and was brought by helicopter to UMass Medical Center in Worcester where I spent the next few days intubated and sedated with percocet. I had a concussion, multiple skeletal lacerations, a separated shoulder, and bruises everywhere.

In time, I recovered from everything, though I occasionally still pull bits of glass and asphalt out of my scalp that must have been trapped in there when they stapled my head back together.

This past Tuesday night, sixteen-year old Tim was hanging out near his home with some friends riding their skateboards. He fell off his skateboard and hit his head, as I am sure he had done numerous times in the past. This time, however, he was knocked unconscious and suffered a brain hemorrhage. Doctors operated to install a shunt to drain the blood from his skull, but it was too late. Tim was brain dead and is currently being kept on life support for the sole purpose of harvesting his organs.

I don't think that I have ever met Tim, though we have become quite friendly with his mother Paula who works at our church as the senior pastor's assistant. For the past few Sundays, she has told us that she is praying for our house to sell so that we can get settled in to our new place in Rhode Island.

There is no way to explain why I'm still alive after such a violent car accident and Tim is dead after falling off a skateboard. But I have faith that God has some purpose for both incidents.

Perhaps Tim's organs will save some person that will one day find a cure for cancer. Maybe they will become a teacher and greatly influence a child that will become President one day. Perhaps Jake, who wouldn't be here if I/we had died in that accident, will do one of these great things. I just don't know.

"My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,' says the Lord. 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

This Saturday, we will be having a party to celebrate Jake's first birthday just hours after Paula buries her only son. Most of the people at our party will also attend the funeral, including us. Please keep Paula in your prayers as she is a single woman and will be living alone now. She has a 23 year-old daughter that lives in the area as well.

***UPDATE - Seven different people will be receiving Tim's organs over the next few days. I wonder what will become of their lives now.

These Are A Few of My Favorite Things...

2007-03-09T07:55:00.000-05:00

In no particular order...

A good hockey fight.
A funky bass line.
The brush-back pitch.
Southern Cross.
General Tso's Chicken.
Rolling down the window on the "mile stretch", smelling and tasting the salt air, and knowing that I will be at my mom's house soon.
Watching my son sleep.
Key Lime Pie.
The E-Street Band.
Amstel Light.
Hearing Radar Love or LA Woman while I am driving on the highway.
When the bone falls out of the pork shoulder with no meat on it.
Understanding an obscure reference when no one else does.
Well-placed sarcasm.
John Wayne movies.
Sleeping in.
Back scratches from Mrs. Flounder.
Navy Bean Soup.
Having weekends off (from work, at least).
Red Sox Nation.
The word vigorously.
Ubie when she's got her Irish up, Brooke when she is amazed by her students, and Todd pretty much all the time.

Have a great weekend, y'all!

Bittersweet

2007-03-02T14:19:00.000-05:00

No, I did not get Buffett tickets...

Yet!

But there is still a chance. The promoter may be moving the stage back 20 feet, and that would open up some more seats for sale. If they do, we are on the waiting list and should get good seats AND the luxury suite. (Or shall I say SWEET!!) There is also talk of them adding another show.

Today began yet another round of layoffs here in telecom world. My company will be making RIFs (Reduction in Force) the first Friday of each month from now until whenever, and we lost three guys today. Thankfully, I wasn't one of them... this time.

I feel badly for those three guys, but I am glad it's not me. It's a strange feeling, rejoicing when you know that its at the expense of three other people. But as Hyman Roth said in The Godfather Part II, "this is the business we've chosen." If you work in telecom, you work in a field where every day could be your last.

In other news...

I am hoping to have the new house ready to move in by Jake's birthday, but it doesn't look good. I am gimping a little bit with a broken pinky toe on my right foot, believe it or not. It only hurts when I breath, though, so that's cool.

I was nearly killed by a squirrel last weekend. Not a real one, and not a man dressed up as a squirrel either. I'm going to post about this next week, but this is a nice tease for you.

I am giving away a 32" LCD HDTV at my open house next weekend to the person that puts in an acceptable bid within 24 hours of the end of the open house. I really need to get this place sold and I will try any gimmick. Just call me PT Barnum!

Some time before Monday, Extreme Makeover, Flounder Edition will be taking place. Let me know if you like the new layout.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Freaking Out!

2007-02-26T11:11:00.000-05:00

I am about to lose it right now. I have a friend that has a luxury suite at Gillette Stadium where Jimmy Buffett will be playing in September. I asked her yesterday if she could get tickets to the concert for me and she said that she could.

Well, the tickets went on sale this morning and they are now sold out. I can't get her on the phone to see if she was able to get them so I am losing it right now.

Six Weird Things About Flounder

2007-02-20T15:28:00.000-05:00

I spent exactly one day in Kindergarten before moving on to first grade. You see, I was a big kid. I mean REALLY big. And, not to sound too conceited, I was a little further along intellectually than the other kids. Sister Angela picked up on both things immediately and called my parents into school that night. The next day, I was in first grade.

Everything bad that happens to me happens on the left side of my body. Since I was a kid, I have broken my foot, cut off two fingers, cracked three ribs, gashed open my palm, shattered my knee cap, had a blood clot in my leg, detached my retina, had a cataract, and separated my shoulder. All of these injuries have been on my left side. As for my right side, I haven’t even had a hang nail.

I absolutely can not stand anything touching my nose. It drives my completely insane. It is my kryptonite. My wife knows this, and when she is pissed at me, she will hold her hand over my nose until I cry like a little bitch.

I can fall asleep faster than anyone you have ever met. People who have witnessed this would swear that I have narcolepsy. I have recently been diagnosed with mild sleep apnea and had surgery to have my tonsils and huge adenoids removed, so this might be removed from my list soon.

I bite my fingers like a rabid hamster. Not my fingernails so much, but the tips of my fingers next to the nails. I bite my nails too, but lots of people do that.

I still have my wisdom teeth, as does every member of my family. The have never grown in and become painful like in most people. I tend to think that makes us superior in some way. Or maybe we all just have big mouths.

Back!

2007-02-19T10:56:00.000-05:00

After a 17 day sabbatical, I am back in the office today. As I pulled out of the driveway, my pager went off alerting me of a generator problem at one of our sites. I didn't even make it to the office yet, and its starting.

Now I could let that get me down, but not the new and improved Flounder. I'm just going to be thankful that I have a job to do.

I do, however, miss my wife and son. It was really awesome spending that much concentrated time together, especially being the recipient of Jake's hugs and kisses. (He just learned how to do both while I was home!!)

Now for some randomness...

I have ordered the flooring and kitchen cabinets for the new house, and hope to be moved in by mid-March. Hopefully we will celebrate Jake's first birthday there with our special guest, Elmo.

My surgery was a complete success! I am sleeping much better and a few people commented to me that I just looked healthier. I'll be hitting the gym in a couple of weeks and will hopefully be ready for softball season. (This is not a commitment to play, Alex & Morgan!!)

How bad of an influence is Kevin Federline? He single-handedly took the biggest sex symbol in recent memory and turned her into Ripley from Alien 3. The dude is the white version of Bobby Brown.

I haven't watched a new movie in a while. Any suggestions?

The times, they are a changin'

2007-02-10T23:07:00.000-05:00

The Delta House will be getting a new look over the next couple of weeks, courtesy of Mia over at Ciao My Bella desgns. It will be getting a little bit of a change of heart in my posts as well.

I have spent the past nine days at home recovering from surgery to remove my tonsils and adenoids. Every morning has brought a new kind of pain; First the throat. Then the jaw. Then my teeth, and now my ears. I've also been battling a cold that has taken out Mrs. Flounder and Jake, so it's been a little rough.

But over this time, I have done some thinking. I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn't be nearly the miserable bastard that I am on a daily basis. I have a truly blessed life, and this medical leave has done nothing but prove that over and over again.

First off, I have a job that provides me with excellent health care coverage, so this operation will cost me under $300 for everything, including the hospital charges. My employer also offers short term disability insurance at a rate of 80%, so I'm really losing very little income and none of my vacation time (of which I get 20 days a year, btw).

I have gotten up every morning with my son crawling across my chest, giggling. If there is a better way to wake up, I haven't found it yet. Then I get to spend the whole day with my wife and Jake, taking naps, playing in the nursery, and eating ice cream.

On top of all that, my buddy Morgan is putting down the subfloors in the new house. He offered to do it because he wants us to get moved down there as soon as possible. Is that a great friend or what?

And I haven't even mentioned the percocets!

My point is that I have it pretty good in this here life. If the operation was a success, then I should be able to sleep better which will give me more energy on a daily basis to actually live my life. I might even work in a trip to the gym a couple times a week and actually get my big ass in shape.

So let me introduce to you, Flounder 2k7, the shinier and happier model. I can guarantee that there will still be some rants because I am sure that someone will pee in my cornflakes once in a while, but I am going to try to keep on the positive and give thanks to God for every good thing in my life.

What a drag it is getting old...

2007-02-06T11:28:00.000-05:00

Folks, I am recovering from a tonsilectomy and adenoidectomy and will be away from the blog world for a little while. For some reason, a 10 year-old kid can have this operation and make his Cub Scout meeting the next day, but a 37 year-old man gets 80 percocet and two weeks bed rest.

Go figure.

See you soon!

Terror!

2007-02-01T07:10:00.000-05:00

In case you haven't heard about this in your part of the world, I feel that it is my duty to report what was thought to be a terror attack in Boston yesterday. A few dozen "devices" were found scattered throughout the city yesterday, and Boston police believed that they were bombs. In reality, they were little more than a battery powered Lite Brite, part of a brilliant advertising campaign by the Cartoon Network.

Boston police lost their minds over this. They closed roads and subway tunnels and even sent the bomb squad out to "detonate" several of these things with a water cannon. In all, they estimate that they spent nearly $750k disarming these toys. How's that feel, Taxachusetts?

Now take a look at that thing. Does it look like a bomb to any reasonable person? Sure, it has batteries and wires attached, but so does my Walkman and I can get that bad boy through airport security with no problem! Maybe if this was a Batman movie and the Joker was on the loose in Gotham City, I could see someone thinking that it was a bomb.

And by the way, these "devices" were set up in nine other cities throughout the US, and they caused no such panic. In fact, they have been up for several weeks without anyone even noticing them.

I understand that we all have to be diligent in the wake of 9/11, but this is ridiculous. What's next, calling the FBI because my niece left her Easy Bake Oven on the curb outside her house? Should I call the Department of Home Security because my son's Play-Doh seems a bit suspicious and could actually be C-4?

It's called common sense people. Let's all try using it again, OK?

Ummm... Nothing

2007-01-26T14:03:00.000-05:00

It's two degrees here today. That would be two degrees. It is the coldest that is has been in about four years, and I think that I will need to throw another bag of pellets on the stove tonight.

I hope that you are warm, wherever you may be. Have a great weekend!

Consulting Flounder

2007-01-23T08:42:00.001-05:00

I read an article this morning that claimed US employers will lose $800 million in productivity over the next two weeks as a result of the Super Bowl. A consulting firm came up with that figure, and they probably got paid a million bucks to do the research to back it up.

So I think that I have decided on a new career path. I want to be a corporate consultant, like The Bobs. Every day I go to work and I see money being wasted by the truckload, so I figure that I can cash in by telling them how to save some of that jack. It’s quite simple, actually.

The first thing I will concentrate on is bullshit expenditures. My company has a ton of these, and since they are my only contact with corporate America, I will assume that every company has similar issues.

This morning when I arrived at my office, I noticed that the driveway and little parking lot had been plowed by our contractor. Though that might seem like a reasonable expense, consider that we only accumulated about one inch of snow overnight. My 10-month old son could ride a Big Wheel over one inch of snow, and he can’t even walk yet!

I received some parts yesterday that I ordered for a project. All of the parts came from the same place, one of our sites out west. There were 4 different items, all of which were smaller than a loaf of bread and weighed less than a pound. They easily could have all fit in one box about the size of a microwave, but the guy that shipped them put each in its own box. And each box was the size of a basketball with tons of Styrofoam peanuts. And he sent them overnight even though I said that I didn’t need the parts until next week. This happens all the time around here. The worst part is that I could have gone to an electrical supply store and bought the parts for less than it cost to ship just one box, but company policy states that our first option is to utilize the parts already in stock, no matter where in the country they may be located.

Everyone in my office uses their company issued cell phone to make local calls when they are in the office. And yes, we do have land lines in the office. This has got to be the easiest money saver of them all.

I carry a two-way text pager in addition to my cell phone. The only pages I receive are also sent to my cell phone as a text message. And the pager doesn’t work at my house, so it does me no good when I am on call and hanging out at the homestead. And even though I have been carrying it for nearly a year now, I have never sent a message from it. It’s a complete waste of money.

We have a lawn care service that takes care of the grounds around our office. They come once a week from April until November and cut the grass. They also do some hedge trimming and mulching to make the place look good. I have no problem with this, except the grass doesn't really start growing here until around mid-May and it quits growing in early October. That is 10-12 weeks that they come to cut grass that isn't growing at all. I swear that I have seen them riding around on their Scag mowers with the blades not even engaged.

So now that the pork has been cut from the budget, tomorrow I will start looking increasing productivity. Let me give you a hint: Smokers and bloggers are not gonna like this one bit.

10 Places

2007-01-17T08:33:00.000-05:00

This is soooo stolen from the lovely Brookelina, but I am doing only one post. These are 5 surprising places I haven't been and 5 awesome places that I have been in my 37 years on this planet.

Places I Have Never Been

A New York Jets home game. I've seen them at New England 5 times, but never at Giant's Stadium.
The Statue of Liberty or Empire State Building, and I grew up less than two hours away from them.
The Miss America Pageant. If you grew up in Atlantic City, it is almost heresy to have not gone to the pageant at least once. I did, however, go to a ton of their parades and yelled Shooooes to all of the contestants.
I have never been in a Gap or Abercromnie & Fitch store. Last time I checked, they didn't have a husky or big-man's section.

I have never been anywhere that required a passport. Some places I have been now require one, but not when I was there.

Places I Have Been

Dinner with the Yankee Clipper, Joe DiMaggio. Even for a Sox fan, that was cool.

Played blackjack at Caesar's in AC with Wayne Gretzky, Jim Belushi, Luc Robitaille, Al MacInnis, and Chris Chelios. Until they raised the table minimum bet to $50/hand that is.

Fishing off the coast of Costa Maya in the Gulf of Mexico.
To 18 Jimmy Buffett concerts in NJ, PA, GA, FL, MA, and TX.

To Mardi Gras, twice.

Random Monday Thoughts

2007-01-15T13:19:00.000-05:00

I read this morning that two of Saddam’s henchmen were hanged today, and that one of their heads was severed by the noose. I immediately thought that he must have been a fat guy, but then I looked a picture of him and discovered that, though kind of plump, he wasn’t really fat. I’m sure that if I were hanged, the rope would act like a slingshot and toss my melon into orbit like Sputnik!

We had our open house yesterday and 5 couples came by to check out the place. Our realtor was encouraging, but didn’t want us to get our hopes up. She is also showing the place tomorrow afternoon, so maybe we will have some offers soon.

Also yesterday, the stinking Patriots beat the Chargers and now advance to the AFC Championship game against the Colts. I am praying for a Colts win next week as all of my friends up here like that Pats, know I am a Jets fan, and will bust my balls mercilessly if they win another Superbowl.

If the Saints and Colts make it to the Superbowl (as I am now predicting), for which team will Archie Manning be cheering? He played for the Saints for 10 years and makes his home in LA, but his son plays for the Colts. Hmmm.

My sister finally got around to taking down her Christmas decorations this past weekend. Needless to say, I am greatly disappointed in her.

Congrats to the Big Boned BBQ team, taking home fourth-place trophies for ribs and pork shoulder at the first annual Winter Sizzler in Lincoln, NH. I was there with you guys in spirit and I’m sorry that my chili recipe killed your chances of taking home a reserve grand champion trophy and check.

I have been drinking so much coffee lately that my urine smells like the inside of a Dunkin Donuts. Hey, I have to stay awake somehow!

Does anyone really think that the American people will elect someone to the Presidency named Barack Hussein Obama? That will happen right after we get a Pope Muhammad I.

Not exactly what I planned, but...

2007-01-08T13:50:00.000-05:00

This weekend was great and frustrating all at the same time. I didn't nearly finish all of the work that I need to do on my house, but what I did finish came out better than expected. I got virtually no sleep, but somehow I had enough energy to make it through. And the Jets lost, but I made 17 hours of overtime this past weekend and had a really great time at the game.

Oh yeah, and I met my childhood hero, Joe Klecko. This guy is 53 years old and was still the most intimidating looking guy on the field during warm ups. He seemed like a heck of a nice guy. I used to line up and try to play like he did when I was in high school, but I kinda sucked so it didn't work out so good.

Most importantly, today is a very special day, Elvis' birthday. I have always been a fan of The King because my father was a huge fan. I can remeber riding around in his not-so-environmentally-friendly 1977 Lincoln Town Car and listening to the Aloha from Hawaii 8-track. And no, my dad was not a pimp!

Anyway, I used to take this day off every year and celebrate appropriately by watching Viva Las Vegas, eating fried PB and nanner sandwiches and taking percocet until I couldn't see straight, but I can't do it this year. No, I've got plenty of percocet, but I don't want to lose the overtime by taking off.

So if you like Elvis, which do you like better: Young, good-looking Elvis or old, fat Elvis? I think you know my choice. After all, I'm a hunka hunka burning love!

Happy New Year!

2007-01-05T07:31:00.000-05:00

OK, so I'm a little late with that salutation, but I've been wanting to post it for a few days now. I took a couple of days off this week to work on the house and take Jake to the doctor, so basically I've been slammed. In other news...

My house is officially for sale. No, not all of the work is done yet, but it will be by the end of the weekend. Well, maybe.

I am working the playoff game this weekend between the New England Patriots and my beloved New York Jets. That's right people. I will be paid to watch football once again. And one of my co-workers is bitter that he didn't get the gig, but I lined this up weeks ago when I first thought that the Jets might make the playoffs. Sorry sucker!

You can't live, work, or even visit Boston without meeting a guy named either Sully, Murph, or Fitzy. This is not a theory, it's a proven fact. I know all three.

I have been walking around lately with a case of the dumbasses. Case in point, I placed my wallet on top of the old Explorer Wednesday to strap Jake into the car seat. After he was secure, I got in the car and drove to Hartford, 50 miles from my house. We went into the doctor's office and I realized that I didn't have my wallet. That's when I remembered placing it on the roof. Thankfully, when I went back to the car after the appointment, IT WAS STILL THERE! I had wedged it in between the roof rack and the roof and somehow it didn't fall out.

I came to work today in jeans and a short sleeve t-shirt. In New England. In January. That's just not right.

Prediction time:

Jets 17
Pats 13

Eagles 31
Giants 10

Seahawks 24
Cowboys 16

Colts 38
Chiefs 34

...and remember where you got it!

Seasons Greetings

2006-12-21T11:18:00.001-05:00

Today is the official first day of winter and my last day of work before the holiday break. I will be at home tomorrow and throughout the weekend finishing up multiple projects on the house, so there will be no time for blogging.

Whether you celebrate Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza or even Festivus, I hope that you enjoy your holiday and get to spend quality time with your loved ones. I leave you with the following politically correct statement and not-so-politically correct video of my favorite Christmas song.

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere, and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Kids are expensive!

2006-12-15T12:03:00.000-05:00

We took Jake to the mall the other night to get some pictures done for Christmas. I mean, what kind of parents would we be if we didn't get some good pictures of baby's first Christmas, right?

So we went to Sears and the little man put on the charms when the camera started flashing. We got some really great shots then Jake decided that he'd had enough and wanted to nap. We sat down with our photographer and started looking at the "Holiday Special Packages". Three hundred bucks later, we have our keepsakes. And since I got the picture CD, I will share some of them with you.

But first, I need to tell you about the mall where Sears is located in Warwick. It is called the Rhode Island Mall, and it looks very similar to a ghost town. Other than Sears, Walmart and Kohls, there can't be 10 other stores in the whole place. It's empty store front after empty store front. And there are no people in this mall. Ever. The most you will see is when the DMV license renewal place is open during the day, and those people are not spending any money in the mall.

Why is the mall so empty? Because there is another mall located less than a mile down the street called the Warwick Mall, and all of the people and stores are there. Now I don't know which one was built first, but what genius looked at that area and said, "You know what this town needs? Another mall!"

I guess that they figure it works for Dunkin Donuts in New England, so why not a 200 store mall? I mean, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Dunkin Donuts up here. In Boston, at the Downtown Crossing MBTA station, there is one at street level next to the subway stairwell, and one at the bottom of the steps. Oh, and one on the other side of the tracks so no one has to walk up a flight of stairs to cross over and get some Munchkins. And get this, they're all busy!

But I digress.

Without further delay, here is the little man...

Monday Funday

2006-12-11T09:52:00.000-05:00

Being back to work today is actually a good thing for me. Between moving half of my belongings into the new house on Saturday and shopping with my wife and son yesterday, I really need a little break.

Today and pretty much all of this week, I am working about 90 minutes further away from home than I usually do. That means I leave the house at 4:30am. LEAVE at 4:30am! So much for my beauty rest.

I am overseeing a contractor that is installing a rubber roof onto one of our sites, and I'm getting a little buzz from smelling the adhesive that they are using.

Why are there rest room Nazis at gas stations all around where I am working today? In fact, why are there rest room Nazis at all? I just bought $60 worth of gas, a bottle of water, a newspaper, and a pack of gum at your store, but you won't let me take the Browns to the Superbowl inside? You direct me to the port-o-potty in the back that hasn't been cleaned since the Clinton administration? Damn you to hell!

I am already beaten down by Christmas music, and there are still two weeks left. If you see me in an elevator of a really tall building carrying something that looks like a guitar case, don't go outdoors until the shooting stops. Trust me on this one.

I am sitting in on yet another conference call. The topic? My boss's meetings in Atlanta later this week. I have no input into the agenda, and really have no questions regarding anything they are discussing. Needless to say, I have tuned them out completely and have seized an opportunity to update this blog.

The New York Jets are killing me. They had an opportunity to solidify their playoff chances yesterday and they lost to the suck-ass Buffalo Bills. I swear, being a Jets fan is like being the child of an alcoholic. Every once in a while, they straighten themselves up enough to give you hope that things will be different this time. You believe in them, even though they've burned you in the past, and you outwardly express your love for them. Then they show up drunk to a PTA meeting and make you feel like a jerk for thinking this time would be different. Yesterday's game was that PTA meeting.

That little buzz is starting to turn into a headache. I'm heading for the motrin bottle.

Closing Time

2006-12-04T11:07:00.000-05:00

No, my blogs not going anywhere.

I am closing on my house in RI today. We'll start moving some things into the garage this week so we will have room to finish the basement in our current house this weekend. Hopefully, we'll actually get it on the market before Christmas.

Weather.com has been predicting snow here today for the past three days. It is sunny and about 40 degrees. I hate weathermen.

I am calling it now: The New York Jets will go to the Superbowl this year. Remember where you heard it.

I have decided that I am a much better carpenter than I am a mason. Laying tile sucks!

Can someone tell me why the doors on my F-150 occasionally lock as soon as I start the truck? It doesn't do it all the time, just once in a while. This tends to present a problem in winter when I like to warm it up for a few minutes while I drink my coffee in the house.

We have decided to go with laminate flooring in the new house rahter than hardwoods. I can install it faster, and my dogs and my kid can't destroy them. I think.

I really need a "guys night out" some time in the very near future. A few beers, some wings, and a game on a giant screen tv is sounding awfully good right now.

Speaking of giant screen tv's, I saw the new Sony Bravia yesterday, and WOW! It is the most incredible television I have ever seen. The picture was stunningly crisp and I am going to start saving some money to get one next year.

That is all I have. Discuss!

Maybe Axl Rose Was Right...

2006-11-29T08:28:00.000-05:00

...all we need is just a little patience.

I’ve been thinking lately about time and my inability to manage it properly. Sure, there are some medical issues that are holding me back a little, but I just can’t seem to get done what needs to be done on time. Am I lazy, or just unrealistic when it comes to timelines?

Perhaps a little of both.

I think that society has conditioned me to be unrealistic when it comes to time expectations and deadlines. When I was a kid, I remember the Federal Express commercials that ended with “When it absolutely, positively has to be there on time.”

Is anything short of a human organ for transplant that important that it has to be there on time? Will the world end if our site in Orlando doesn’t receive their ground wire and lugs by 10am tomorrow? Is there that much of a difference in whether my house gets listed on December 4th or the 11th?

I don’t think so.

A hundred years ago, people were much more patient, and I think they were more content as well. Really, think about it. If you wanted to take your family from New York to Miami, you got on a train, and a few days later, you were there. You were rested, you had some quality time with your family, and you got to see some of this great country. Now, we fight traffic to get to the airport, rush to not miss the flight and arrive in Miami in a few hours. And we get pissed off if we have to wait twenty minutes to get through security or if our flight is delayed an hour or two!

Back then, if you wanted a turkey dinner, you had to cook it for hours and make sure that the fire in your oven didn’t go out. You had to regulate the temperature with the dampers and you had to watch over it diligently. Today, you can either hit the drive-thru at Boston Market or microwave a Swanson’s turkey dinner.

I have a ton more to spew on this subject, so I hope I have some time over the next few days. What do you think?

Thanksgiving, Part 1

2006-11-20T08:26:00.000-05:00

I have a few simple rules for Thanksgiving, and it is important that they be followed:

No ham as a main course. My Aunt Angie liked to substitute the ham for turkey every once in a while, and it always seemed like it was when we came to Thanksgiving dinner. It's a nice side dish, but not the main course.
If you are going to serve ham, take the freaking cloves out before serving!
Arlo Guthrie's Alice's Restaurant must be listened to in it's entirety at least once on Thanksgiving day, no exceptions.
Men, you gotta help with the cooking. This is the 21st century and a real man knows how to cook. Deep fry the turkey, make some stuffing, open the can of cranberry sauce, but for Pete's sake, do something other than sit around on your ass until dinner is ready.
Ladies, you have to clean up the dinner mess because us men will be in a tryptophan-induced coma in front of the television watching football. You are welcome to join us as soon as you turn on the dishwasher. And bring us a beer while you are at it.
There must be at least one sweet potato pie on the table all weekend long.
Whipped cream, not cool whip. (Preferably fresh)
Lasagna or baked ziti is also a perfectly acceptable side dish. It was always on my Thanksgiving table when I was growing up and it will always be on my table while Jake grows up.
You may begin to decorate your house and play Christmas music on Friday.
There will be no whining about how busy the mall is on Friday. Did you really think that you were the only one who got up before sunrise to make the early bird sale at Macy's?
Do not wake your sleeping husband in order to make it to the aforementioned sale.
Take a few minutes to reflect on the things for which you are thankful. I will post a list of mine tomorrow.
ACHS must beat Holy Spirit!

And now, for your viewing pleasure...

Oh what a night...

2006-11-17T08:33:00.000-05:00

I have been getting increasingly tired at work the past few days, so I decided to go to bed really early last night. My wife was also tired, so we all turned in around 8pm. I figured that nine solid hours of sleep might help me get out of this funk that I have been in for the past couple of weeks, and it started out pretty good.

That was until the wind started whipping around outside around 10:30pm. Well, Spike is a fearless little guy in most cases, but he gets all freaked out when he hears loud blowing wind (you remember Spike right?). So he jumps off the bed and starts nervously circling the bed, his little nails clicking all the while on the hardwood floor. Then he starts whining because he wants to be back on the bed. Finally, I scoop him up and put him back on the bed.

I must have set him too close to our other dog Gizmo because she jumped up and started attacking him. I separate them and manage to calm them down a little. Of course all of this noise wakes up my wife and Jake.

By now it’s getting close to 11pm and I’m thinking, no big deal, I still have 6 hours to sleep. I roll over and fall back to sleep. My wife nurses Jake a little and he falls asleep, then she does as well.

At 11:30, my cell phone rings and wakes me up. It is work asking me if I am still working in our New Haven site. The site that I left at 3:30pm! Apparently I forgot to log out so they were calling to check with me. I go back to the bedroom and fall asleep again.

At 12:30 Jake wakes up and is really awake. No boob juice is going to put him to sleep unless my wife had taken like 6 Ambien an hour before and it had found its way into her breast milk. So I wake up again. Knowing that I need to get some sleep so I can get up for work, my wife mercifully takes Jake into the living room to let him play for a while.

OK, back to sleep. Around 2:30am, the house alarm starts beeping. Not sounding the alarm itself, but beeping like someone is opening a door that has a sensor on it. It beeps once, then about 30 seconds later, beeps again. This goes on for about 5 minutes, then I finally get up and go to the control panel. The display says “Low Battery” telling me that I need to replace the backup battery in the basement. I press a couple of buttons and it stops, so I lay back down.

No more than five minutes later, it starts with the beeping again. This time I get the manual from the kitchen drawer and start reading how to shut it down. A few more keystrokes and it stops. It is now 3:00 and I am getting really tired of this nonsense, but I try to go back to sleep anyway.

At about 4:00, it starts beeping again. This time, I go to the basement to disconnect the battery, a trick that has worked in the past. The only problem is that the alarm box is below the basement steps and I have a ton (literally) of wood pellets stacked up under there. I needed to move about twelve 40 pound bags to get to it, but I finally get the battery unplugged. I head back upstairs, push a few buttons on the control pad and lay back down.

Beep!

That’s it! I’d had enough. I picked up my pillow, shut the door to our bedroom, went to the front guest bedroom, set the alarm for 5:30, and went to sleep. Finally, a little peace and quiet.

About 4:45, my wife and Jake come in and lay down next to me, waking me up yet again. I fall back to sleep for what seemed like about 30 seconds and then the alarm clock went off. Time to shit, shave and shower, then off to work I go.

So needless to say, I am more tired today than I have been anytime this week. I have a ton of stuff to do over the weekend, so there will be no rest forthcoming. Plus, I have to get a new $40 battery for that stupid alarm!

Anyway, I hope that your weekend looks nothing like this. Have a great one!

One Great Weekend!

2006-11-14T14:21:00.000-05:00

I had a really awesome weekend! I went into work for 5 1/2 hours Saturday afternoon and 12 1/2 hours on Sunday. Now how many times have ever heard anyone say that they had a great weekend when they had to work?

You see, my company owns Vyvx, and Vyvx backhauls the HD feed for every NFL game. We need to have a tech on site at each venue in case anything goes wrong, and I got to work the Patriots v. Jets game at Gillette Stadium on Sunday. And I, of course, am a HUGE Jets fan!

That’s right, I got paid to watch football. And I got to eat NY strip steak in the press box before the game. And I got to walk on the field before, though the rain started to pour down. And I watched the game from a luxury suite that belongs to my wife’s old boss. And best of all, I got to rub it in their faces when the Jets won 17-14!

After the game, I went down to check and see if I was still needed, and they told me I could go. I walked out the exit near the Jets buses and saw some really gigantic guys standing around. I recognized one of them as D’Brickashaw Ferguson, the Jets first round draft choice this past April. I talked to him for about 10 minutes and he signed my press credential. He was really nice and kind of shy for a guy that is 6’3”, 312lbs! Then he introduced me to Jonathan Vilma, their All-Pro linebacker. I told him that me and my 8-month old son Jake have matching #51 jerseys, and that I was kicking myself for not wearing it to the game. Again, he was really nice, though shorter than I thought he would be.

And if that wasn’t enough good stuff, my buddy Morgan came over early on Saturday morning and helped me finish putting the roof on our house! And not a minute too soon as it has been raining here ever since Saturday night!

Well....

2006-11-09T08:31:00.000-05:00

Now what?

The people have spoken and the people want change. In fact, one guy that I talked to said he voted against the incumbents in every position on his ballot just for the sake of change. From listening to talk radio, I don't think that he is alone.

I am amazed that Democrats won as many seats in Congress as they did running on a platform of Vote for me because I'm not the other guy. I have heard no message other than that from any of them. They have no message, no domestic agenda, no strategy for Iraq or national security, and no plan for the economy.

I am also amazed that there are no stories in the national news about "voter intimidation", "faulty polling machines", "missing absentee ballots", "disenfranchised voters", or the dreaded "hanging chads". I guess those things only happen when Republicans win.

So start looking forward to higher taxes, more social programs, a smaller defense budget, liberal judges, human cloning, and a swift pull out from Iraq that will only embolden the terrorist to strike again. And how could I forget hearing those four little words that I have been dreading; House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. On the bright side, in two years you will all remember why you booted the liberals out of Congress in 1994 and will send conservatives to Washington, including the next President John McCain.

I guess the only one who can save us now is Jake Jake!

Election Day

2006-11-07T07:40:00.000-05:00

It's 7:35am and I have already exercised my Constitutional right. Have you?

But that's not what I wanted to talk about today. No, I need to tell you about my trip to the doctor yesterday.

I had a 4:15 appointment to see my doctor yesterday, a follow-up for a test that I had done a few weeks ago. Actually, it was a sleep study.

Lately I have been noticing that I am always tired. I don't mean that I feel a little run down, I'm talking about nearly falling asleep at traffic lights, and always falling asleep while watching television, reading, and at times, in the middle of conversations.

At first I thought that I just wasn't getting enough sleep, a common problem for new parents. But then I tried sleeping an hour or two more each night and nothing changed. If anything, I felt more tired.

I also thought that my weight and lack of physical activity had something to do with it, so I tried exercising a little. That didn't last long because I was too damn tired to do it!

Then I remembered that for the past few years, my wife has been telling me that I stop breathing sometimes while I sleep, especially when I sleep on my back. She usually wakes me up and makes me roll onto my side, and everything seems alright. Some nights this happens three or four times; other nights, not at all.

I started reading about sleep apnea, and realized that I had every single symptom that is associated with the condition. That is when I went to my doctor and discussed it with him. He said that it sounded like a sleep disorder of one kind or another and that he would set me up for a sleep study at the hospital.

I went in for the sleep study a few weeks ago, and let me tell you, it was quite an experience. They hooked up sensors all over my head, my legs, and my chest. I had to wear a tube up my nose to monitor my breathing, and had to sleep with all of these wires tied into a control unit attached to the headboard of the bed. I took a picture with my camera phone to show just how ridiculous I looked. And it was so cumbersome that I was surprised that I fell asleep at all.

Well the results were sent to my doctor last week, so we set up an appointment for yesterday to review them. Well, somehow the paperwork ended up in my doctor's bried case and he left it at home. I found that out after sitting in the waiting room for 25 minutes, then in the exam room for another 15 minutes.

So he is supposed to call me today to discuss the results, and I hope that there is actually a problem that can be corrected. Being this tired all of the time is miserable. I basically don't want to do anything at all other than sleep. The treatment for sleep apnea is to wear a Continuous Positive Airway Pressure device, or a CPAP. I know what you are thinking, Damn that's sexy!

I'll update this post after I talk to my doctor, and I'll try again to post the picture. Now get out there and vote! If you don't, then you have nothing to complain about!

Reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerrated

2006-10-30T15:23:00.000-05:00

.comI should probably be arrested for blog abandonment, but I have a good excuse. I've just been really, really busy lately. Sounds familiar, eh? Anyway, here is a quick update of all that is going on in Flounder's world right now:

We have bought a house in RI, and we are closing on it Dec. 4th. It's a fixer-upper, but we got an awesome deal and it will be a freaking palace when I'm done with it. (Many pics to come) It's right around the corner from one of our closest friends and my BBQ buddy Morgan. We are all geeked up for the move!
We have been steady working on our house to get it ready for sale. There is a 30-yard dumpster behind the house that will be filled with roof shingles and a bunch of crap from inside the house by next Monday. Thank God that I have some awesome friends that are handy and willing to help me get it ready. More on this later…
My Uncle Gene died today from cancer. I didn't really know him very well and haven't seen him since my grandmother's funeral almost 15 years ago. He was my father's older brother, so dad is taking it kind of hard. It's always tough hearing your father cry over the phone.
Last Thursday, we did a dinner celebrating Senior BBQ Month at the West Warwick Senior Center and fed over 200 people. (And by we, I mean Morgan did all the work and me and Alex shared the credit.) I am writing an article about it to go in a monthly BBQ magazine in December, so I'll post an excerpt here when it is complete.
Jake is huge. He went to the Doc this week and his is 30" long and 24lbs. Did I mention that he is 7 months old? I'll be posting more pics soon.
I don't know exactly what happened to all of my favorite teams, but I think that it is safe to say it's going to be a long winter. Florida State is 4-4 and just lost to Maryland. Freaking Maryland? The Jets lost yesterday, but have been surprisingly entertaining to watch. And my beloved Flyers? They are the worst team in the NHL, they fired their coach, and their GM "retired". For a huge sports fan like me, this is all very depressing.
I was sick all last week, and I am still fighting this damn cold off. It might be time to get to the doctor.
If you had boxer Trevor Berbick, pitcher Joe Niekro and Celtics legend Red Auerbach as the trifecta in this week's sports dead pool, congratulations, you win!

That is all for now. I will update again later.

Flounder, c.1988

2006-10-16T10:48:00.000-05:00

My old roommate from FSU googled his name and found my blog. I had listed his full name in a meme as my first roommate. He requested that I take his last name down, and he sent me this picture from the first few weeks of school. I cropped him out of it to preserve his anonymity.

A few quick observations.

Check out that Brian Bosworth doo!
Not one earring in my left ear, but two!
The dreaded Jams campshirt!
Nineteen years old already a ridiculously hairy chest!
Damn I was good looking!

Oh how I miss the '80's!!

Gussy - Part Two

2006-10-13T08:11:00.000-05:00

If you haven't done so already, please read yesterday's post for a little background info.

We arrived at the hospital about 6:45 Tuesday night and met with Deb and Gussy in the family room outside the ICU. Deb was there for the second part of her 24-hour test where they determine whether she and Brian are ready to care for Gussy at home. They have been training for the past six weeks on how to set up and maintain everything that she needs on a daily basis. I'll spare you the details, but you can imagine that it is a lot of work.

We brought Gussy a couple of gifts that she seemed to like a lot and we talked with Deb for a little bit. Then another family came into the room with a panicked look on their faces. Deb recognized them immediately as their 2-year old daughter Michala had just left the hospital a few days before. Deb told us that their child had some disease that caused seizures, and that they were trying to get her medication adjusted when she was in the last time.

The little girl's uncle Pete told us that she had stopped breathing in the lobby, and that the doctors revived her and were attending to her. He was in remarkably good spirits considering the situation, I assume because this had become routine for them.

Rushing a child to the hospital had become routine.

Pete and I talked a bit and he eventually looked at my son and asked, "What's wrong with him?"
"Nothing," I said. "We're just visiting Deb and Gussy."

That's when it hit me. There is NOTHING wrong with my son. That is a little fact that I somehow overlook every single day. He is perfectly healthy, happy and thriving. What an incredible paradigm shift! I also started feeling a little guilty about that, but that was replaced with feeling blessed.

A few minutes later, the nurse came and brought the family in to see Michala. She had stabilized, but they were going to keep her for the night.

Through our whole visit, Jake sat quietly in his stroller, often reaching out to touch Gussy's hand. He was so good that I wasn't the least bit surprised he screamed in the car for the first ten minutes of our trip home.

We left around 8:15 and headed back home. I realized as I was walking out to the car that not every child that comes into Hasbro leaves alive. I thought about the pain that a person must feel to lose a child, and I couldn't imagine anything worse.

And again, I felt blessed.

Gussy will be going home next week with Deb and Brian. They both completed the training and passed the test. They had to move their bedroom furniture into the smaller room in their house so they could use their room for Gussy. All of the equipment that they need wouldn't fit in any other room.

These are two of our friends that go to our church and live in Rhode Island. All of these friends are the reason that we are moving there soon.

BTW – this is my 100th post.

Gussy

2006-10-12T09:22:00.000-05:00

I had fully intended to post a little more frequently, but things have been really crazy lately. In short, I made an offer on a house in Rhode Island and now need to get my house ready for sale by November 1st. I'm putting on a new roof, framing in two rooms in the basement, painting the entire house inside and out, laying tile, and doing some landscaping. Thank God I've got some good friends that work for barbecue! I'm sure that I will be posting some before and after shots over the coming weeks.

Anyway, I had a great experience this week that I need to share. On Tuesday night, we went to visit a friend in the hospital. Now I normally don't like doing that, and what made matters worse was that she was at Hasbro Children's Hospital.

Our friends Brian and Deb decided last year to provide foster care for a child with the intention of adopting one. They organized their house and their lives to be able to care for a child as soon as their training was complete. In December, 14 month-old Augusta came into their lives. We call her Gussy.

She is as cute a little girl as you have ever seen, and Brian and Deb just love her. Things were going great and all indications were that her mother's parental rights were going to be terminated around Christmas of this year. That would open the door for them to adopt her.

Then in August, Gussy started having some motor skill problems. She quit talking and started crawling rather than walking. The knew something was wrong, so they took her to the doctor.

Gussy had a brain tumor the size of an apple, and they rushed her into surgery. They got most of it out, but that was just the beginning of her treatment. She has had CAT scans, MRIs, PET scans and dozens of blood tests. She has undergone several surgeries, radiation treatments and hours of rehab. She was in an induced coma while things healed a bit. She has a shunt in her skull to drain fluid from her brain and a tracheotomy for breathing. She can not talk or eat and has a feeding tube sustaining her.

She has been living in the ICU for 9 weeks now, and she celebrated her second birthday there just last Friday.

And yet, she keeps smiling and clowning around like any other two year-old would. She constantly surpasses the doctor's expectations when they take her off the ventilator and have her walk.

The doctors say this is nothing short of a miracle. They gave her a 30% chance of surviving the first surgery and initially thought that she would have trouble regaining any of her motor skills. Now they expect her to make nearly a full recovery over time.

And whether you believe in God or not, I can tell you that I believe her recovery is the direct result of the power of prayer. Our entire 600 member church has been praying for this little girl since day one, and she has come through better than anyone could have imagined.

I will write more about our visit tomorrow. I just wanted you to have the background info.

Weekend Update

2006-10-02T14:02:00.000-05:00

Here are some highlights from what was a very eventful weekend in and around the Delta House:

I got a little crazy with the power washer again. I don't know what it is with that thing, but I get it going and I want to wash everything. This time it was the patio furniture and swing, then the inside of the gazebo. They all came out looking like they were new. Maybe one day I will actually use it on my car.
My parents, sister and niece showed up on Saturday with a ton of food and drinks for the BBQ. We were expecting 35-40 people, but only around 25 made it. I'm actually quite happy about that because we have meatballs, sausage and peppers, and pasta salad to munch on all week.
I cooked two pork butts and three dozen wings in the smoker this weekend, and they all came out great. One thing does make me curious, though. I seasoned both pork butts and put them on the grill at the same time in the same general part of the smoker. I basted them equally and cooked them exactly the same, but one came out a little tough. The other one fell apart as I was trying to pull it out. How is that possible?
Big, big props go out to my boys Morgan and Alex for taking home some hardware at the Cape Cod Classic. I was unable to go this weekend, but the rest of the Big Boned Barbecue team kicked some ass. They took home a second place finish in beef brisket, and first place finishes in chicken and beef kabobs.
My son is smart. I mean really, really smart. We have been trying to get him to crawl by giving him some belly time on a blanket on the floor, and placing his toys at the other end of the blanket. Well the little genius figured out quickly that he could pull the blanket with the toys on it to him and he would not need to crawl at all. I'm so proud that he figured out how to be lazy so early in life.
And now for the gratuitous picture of the little man…

Goodfellas

2006-09-29T07:15:00.000-05:00

This past Wednesday, my wife and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary. I sent her roses and cooked her favorite dish, lamb tenderloin marinated in rosemary and garlic and served with mint jelly. It was surely better than anything we would have gotten in a restaurant where we live. (And I'll try not to pull a muscle while I pat myself on the back.)

But that's not what I wanted to talk about.

I am amazed that out of all of the guys that I grew up with, only two have been divorced. Two out of 20 guys (including me). And both of those were extraordinary circumstances that were caused by the wife! And both have remarried and are very happy.

If you'd have asked me 15 years ago what percentage of my buddies marriages would end in divorce, I would have said 60-70%. And that was only if any of us actually got married in the first place! (Yes, two of the 20 are still single.)

Not that these guys are bad guys or anything. In fact, it's just the opposite. They're all really good guys. They liked to drink beers, chase girls and play and watch sports, none of which are conducive to marriage.

Who would have guessed that they all turned out to be good family men?

Have a great weekend! I am having a barbecue to celebrate my son's dedication to God and my family is coming up from NJ. It should be a blast!

I'm Still Alive

2006-09-25T11:24:00.000-05:00

Lately things have been a little hectic around the Delta House for 'ol Flounder. Last week I worked 10 hours of OT that will really help out the budget, but it kind of kicked my ass. My normal 40 hour work week is a bit misleading in the first place. I work from 7am to 4pm, and have an hour commute each way every day making my work day 6am to 5pm. Add in some OT and I never got home before 8pm last week. In fact, one night I got home at 10:15!

So of course all I did this weekend was lay around and sleep. NOT!

Saturday was yard work day and dinner with the fellas at Marchetti's. I only mention the dinner because we had the Famous King Cut of Prime Rib. It's pre-cooked weight is 64oz, and there were no doggie bags taken from our table. The video below looks a lot like me that night.

Anyway, this week looks a little less crazy so I should be able to post a little more.

*****Isn't it ironic that this is my 96th post?

More Wedding Crashers

2006-09-14T08:35:00.000-05:00

When we first received the invitation to the wedding back at the end of July, it was a no-brainer for me. We're not going.

It's was nothing against the happy couple, or the fact that we don't like going to weddings in the first place. No, it was much more simple than that. We have a baby and no sitter. Everyone that we trusted with the boy was going to be at the wedding, so that left us out.

In reality, it was kind of relief. I really couldn't afford to get my wife a new dress, get myself something to wear and get a gift. I don't own a suit and don't really want one.

(Side Note: I have this theory that as long as I don't own a suit, I can't die because there wouldn't be anything in which I could be buried. You may laugh at that, but my theory is 100% correct at the moment.)

So imagine my horror when the bride called my wife and told her that if the only reason we weren't going to attend the wedding was because of the baby, then we could bring him along.

Shit.

Total cost for clothes and gift: $300.

They had beautiful weather last Saturday morning for their outdoor ceremony. It must have been wonderful, but I wouldn't know. No, I was waiting on Mrs. Flounder to get ready, and we arrived 45 minutes late. Luckily we could tell the couple that Jake was fussy and we didn't want to disrupt their ceremony, so we elected to only go to the reception. We didn't even mention that we got pulled over on the way there, though the RI cop was cool and let us off with a warning. (Side Note: Mrs. Flounder was driving. If it was me, they would have put me under the jail.)

Now for the worst part. It was a closed bar wedding. As in, if I wanted a Bloody Mary to take away the morning angst, I wasn't getting it there. You see, the bride is our pastor's niece and everyone at the wedding was from our church. Apparently they all forgot to read John 2: 1-11, the story of Jesus turning water to wine at a wedding.

And if I ever needed a drink at a wedding, this was the one. Every wedding cliché came to fruition, including the first dance to Celebration. There was the Electric Slide, the Macarena, the Hully Gully, and the dreaded dollar dance. The bride and groom acted like they were gonna slam cake in each other's face, but didn't. The bride and her father danced to Butterfly Kisses. It was nauseating.

The only sort of cool thing was the floor show that the bride and two bridesmaids did towards the end. They danced like Michael Jackson in the Thriller video. Without a doubt, it was the first time I've ever seen a woman move like that in a wedding dress.

Regardless, I wanted out of there faster than the virgin bride and groom. That should tell you something.

Never forget

2006-09-11T14:36:00.000-05:00

I remember where I was when I heard that JFK had been shot.

I had heard people say that for years, and I can relate to it. I always seem to recall details of my life when I think back to a memorable event, good or bad. But I am sure that everyone does that to one extent or the other.

I thought that it was sad that my generation's equivalent to the JFK memory would be I remember where I was when OJ made his escape in the white Bronco.

But then 9/11 happened, and that changed. I remember exactly where I was when I heard about the cowardly terror attacks on our country, and I remember the days afterward vividly.

I was driving north on I-395, just south of the Massachusetts border, when I popped out my Bat out of Hell CD and tuned in Imus. It was a little before 9am, and I had a meeting with the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority at 10am just outside of Boston.

Imus was already talking about the first plane hitting tower 1, but the facts were a little vague. I called my wife and told her to turn on the television and call me back. She sat in front of the TV eating her Fruity Pebbles when the second plane hit tower 2. She hasn't eaten that cereal since.

She called me hysterically crying, asking Why over and over. I calmed her down and told her to keep watching and let me know what was happening.

I arrived at the meeting place next to the tollbooths at the beginning of the Boston extension. It's about 10 miles from downtown Boston, and there is a little break room inside. I was early, so I went in to check out the news on TV. That is when I saw the towers collapse and watched the seemingly endless barrage of camera angles of the second plane hitting the towers.

I got a call from one of the guys that I was supposed to be meeting and he said that maybe we better table this for another day. That is when I noticed the state police cars flying into the city on the Pike. There must have been 150 of them in a span of a little over an hour.

By then, it was about 11:30 and I started thinking that I should get on the road home as traffic was already picking up. I stopped at a WalMart and bought an American flag and small pole and attached it to the back of my truck's cab. I got home around 1:45 and just sat there and prayed and cried with my wife.

Over the next few days, we were glued to the TV like everyone else. We bought supplies for the rescue workers and dropped them off at Cardi's furniture store in Rhode Island. We gave blood. And of course, we prayed.

Three weeks later, I had to go to work in lower Manhattan. It was a completely bizarre experience to say the least. The strangest thing was riding in a cab from Grand Central to our site on Hudson St, down 8th Ave, and not seeing the trade center towering up ahead.

I remember watching people wearing white masks as they walk along the streets. And the signs with the faces and names of missing people on them. Oh my, they were everywhere.

When I got to the site, all of my coworkers had a story about that day. They told me how the first plane flew right over the site and that they would never forget that sound. They talked about watching the back of tower 2 blow out towards them while they were on their roof watching in horror. They told me how they could see people unimaginably jumping from the towers. Just horrible.

That was my 9/11 experience. Tell me about yours.

Sleeping with the fishes

2006-09-06T12:16:00.000-05:00

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Scenes From A Mexican Restaurant

2006-09-05T14:31:00.000-05:00

With the new Flounder family budget firmly in place, there isn't much room for dining out. So when I get to actually enjoy a meal in a restaurant now, I try to enhance the experience by noting the people around me. And since I dined alone at lunch today, I had nothing but time to do just that. Today's fare: Mexican.

I must get one of those t-shirts the servers are wearing that say "You had me at Patròn"

Four grown men dressed in business casual should never, under any circumstances, sit in a cramped little booth together.

The bus boy looks exactly like Damon Wayans in those Men on Film skits from In Living Color. And that other waitress looks a little like the David Allen Grier character.

The inside of this restaurant looks like a cross between The Macaroni Grille and the set of Sanford and Son, complete with a Tuscan-style fireplace and a beat-down Chevy pickup. Lamont was nowhere to be found.

The woman at the table next to me ordered a case-a-dill-a, just like Napoleon Dynamite's Grandma.

Watching highlights on the plasma tv in the bar of FSU beating Miami really enhanced my dining experience. Go Noles!

Whoever made my burrito rolled it the wrong way. As a result, half was all vegetables and half was all chicken, and the two never crossed paths until they met in my belly.

One napkin. That is all they gave me, one lousy napkin. And I guess that restaurant has a no refill policy on water because my glass got emptied and stayed empty. Her tip certainly reflected my discontent.

Of course the waitress that took my order was not the same person that brought my food or check. You know why? She quit in the middle of my meal. No shit. That is the second time that has happened to me. At least the last time, they comped my meal because everyone else forgot about me.

This restaurant offers a $5 discount on your next visit and a chance to win $25k if you fill out their service questionnaire online. The way I see it is the only people that fill this out are probably pissed off, want to bitch about it and will never eat there again. And if they weren't pissed off in the first place, they will be when they see the hoops that they need to jump through to get the damn coupon! Don't judge me! I'm on a budget!

Some prick bastard parked way too close to the F-150's driver side, so I had to get in the passenger side and shimmy across the seat. People just have no respect for us fat guys anymore.

Wedding Crasher

2006-08-31T10:55:00.000-05:00

It was summer 1990, and I was just finishing up a night of delivering pizzas at JoJo's. I was going to meet my latest conquest, Lynn for a beer at Robert's Place. I knew that her sister Kelly was going to be there, so I invited my buddy Allen to come with me and be my wingman.

We were having a really great time when Kelly spilled her beer on the bar and it ran all over Allen's lap. Instinctively, she grabbed a bar towel and started trying to soak it up, not realizing that she was massaging his unit in the process.

It was love at first grope for the two of them.

Seeing as how it was I whom had introduced them, it was only fitting that Allen asked me to be his best man in their wedding. (I also helped him propose, but that is another story altogether.)

The wedding was planned for March 1994, and it was to be the very first wedding in which I would participate. I was in school in Atlanta at the time, so I flew in a few days early to assume my "Best Man" duties.

I bought a box of good cigars, and we went to Philly for the bachelor party and had a blast. I even managed to get him to the Mansion on time, and had the little Franck-like wedding planner bring us some cold Heineys to take off the edge before the ceremony.

Finally, we were lined up in front of everyone and watching as the families entered. I was standing off his left shoulder and we were making comments back and forth about everyone walking in. His step father and mother came up the aisle and he whispered "I hate that asshole." Then one of the bridesmaids walked in and I made a comment how I'd like to butter her muffin after the reception.

It was right about this time that we both realized he was wearing a microphone. Not a loud-speaker mic, but one for the wedding video.

Shit.

Well, the ceremony went off without any further incidents. At the reception, I was drinking vigorously and striking out with the hot bridesmaid, though it wasn't for lack of effort. That's when the bride's father came over and pulled me aside.

Mike, we have a problem that I need you to take care of.

Sure, what is it.

Well, my mother's nurse… Not her regular nurse, but the one that the agency sent for the night… She got really drunk and I think that she is on some medication… And, well… She stole the limo.

Huh? I thought that you said she stole the limo.

Yeah. She did. The driver just arrived and left the limo running so that it would be warm inside when the couple came out. He came inside to let us know he was here and to see when they would be ready to leave, and she jumped in the driver's seat and took off.

Ummm, that sounds like a police problem, not a Mike problem.

Well, I need you to stall them. The cops have her cornered in the parking lot and they are negotiating with her.

Uh, ok. I'll see what I can do.

I went back up to the reception and they were getting ready to leave. I sat down with them and told them how wonderful the wedding was, how honored I was to be part of their special day, asked about their honeymoon plans, blah, blah, blah…

After about 20 minutes, the father came in and told me that it was clear for the couple to leave. The limo company had sent over another car and the cops had the nurse in custody. They need to break the driver's side window and reach in and shut off the engine, but they got her out.

Allen & Kelly got in their limo and went to the hotel, blissfully unaware of the evening's events. They didn't learn of the nurse's shenanigans until they got back from their honeymoon.

I have been in five other weddings since (not including mine), including two more stints as a best man, and nothing comes close to the events of that night.

And no, I never did get together with that bridesmaid.

I've got nothing...

2006-08-29T13:18:00.000-05:00

The band Supernova, the bastard child of Tommy Lee and CBS television, will be performing here in Hartford in January. Though they haven't revealed exactly who will be fronting the band, the promoters still have the audacity to charge $45 for tickets. For only $7 more, I can go see The Who!

So what do you do if you are flying with your mother to Turkey, the Department of Homeland Security wants to check your bags, and you have a penis pump stowed in there? Make something up, quick! Freaking genius.

My company has a ton of "motivational" artwork around our office, and I was thinking of sneaking in a few of these bad boys. What do you think?

Is it better to be blissfully ignorant or depressingly realistic? Considering that I just completed putting together the Flounder household budget, I'll say the former.

The 2006 Red Sox are officially dead. Not even Big Papi can save them now. Thank God it's football season.

And speaking of football season, here are my predictions for the 2006 seasons. The college National Championship Game will feature Florida State and Ohio State, with the Noles winning it all. In the pros, look for the Bengals and Eagles in the Super Bowl, with the birds finally winning something for the utterly-depressing city of Philadelphia.

I had a yard sale last weekend and made nearly $300. I also had a thief come and steal four little crafty stamps that my wife was selling for .50/each. I just know that it was one of those blue-hairs that were choking down unfiltered smokes and haggling with me on a $150 mirror that I was selling for $15.

I'll be out of pocket tomorrow, but I may post about the stolen limo Thursday or Friday. Stay tuned….

Stolen Meme

2006-08-25T10:36:00.000-05:00

I ripped this from the lovely Nowhere Girl.

1. Who was your first prom date? Bobbie P., the cutest of the triplets. Her father is a man for whom I truly feel sorry. He had nine daughters; the trips, two sets of twins and two singles. Five pregnancies, nine girls, no boys.

Now I know why he was a high school football referee.

2. Who was your first roommate(s)? Brian H. He was my roommate in college. First day of classes, I'm brushing my teeth and I notice him looking at me. I said good morning, and he didn't reply, so I figured that he was pissed about me drinking his beer or something. Nope. The freak slept with HIS EYES OPEN! I don't care who you are, that's just weird.

3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink the first time you got drunk? Budweiser pounders. I was a sophomore at a Halloween party and drank every one of them and proceeded to stare a hottie all night long. Can you say "stalker"?

4. What was your first job? The same as every little boy used to have. I delivered the Atlantic City Press.

5. What was your first car? A 1979 Ford Granada.

6. When did you go to your first funeral? My grandpa passed away when I was in 6th grade. For some reason, I'm still bothered by it.

7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown? I went away to college when I was 18.8.

8. Who was your first grade teacher? Mrs. Tomassini. She had already had both of my sisters in her class, so she knew trouble was coming when she saw me.

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? The Bahamas with Joey Smith. It was winter 1987 and we had cabin fever.

10. When did you sneak out of your house for the first time, who was it with? My parents were pretty cool, so I never had to sneak out.

11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them? Josh T. He moved away when I was 12 and I haven't seen him since.

12. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house? Room 929, Kellum Hall on the Florida State campus.

13. Who's the first person you call when you have a bad day? My wife

14. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid/groomsman? I was the best man in Allen & Kelly's wedding. Quick story, the bride's grandmother had a nurse who was a temp for her normal nurse. This woman got really wasted and, ready for this, STOLE THE LIMO. I really need to post about that some day.

15. What is the first thing you do in the morning? Take a squeej.

16. What was the first concert you ever went to? The Police, 1983 at the Atlantic City Convention center. It was their last tour before they broke up

17. First tattoo or piercing? Left ear, 1988. I got a second one there right before I left for college. Sorry, no ink.

18. First celebrity crush? Linda "Wonder Woman" Carter, of course, firmly establishing me as a boob man.

19. Age of first kiss? First real kiss was at Junior Prom, so I guess that I was 16.

20. First crush? Fifth grade, Michelle G. I almost shit my pants when she asked me to dance at the our school dance. I actually had a date with her on 3/28/92. I was late for it because I was watching this. No regrets, though.

21. First time you did drugs? Freshman year of college, I smoked pot. It really never did anything for me, so I rarely did it.

Classic My Ass!

2006-08-22T11:34:00.000-05:00

Have you noticed how some things that start out great eventually become less than average?

And why? Because no one can ever leave "well enough" alone. We all feel the need to build a better mouse trap or reinvent the wheel, or whatever other cliché that you want to use. It's in our nature.

So what am I pissed at today?

American Movie Classics.

Do you remember about five years ago when you turned on AMC, you would find movies starring Humphrey Bogart, Marilyn Monroe, John Wayne, Clarke Gable, Gary Cooper, Katherine Hepburn, or Cary Grant? You could also find Larry, Moe, Curly, Shemp, & Curly Joe. Even Buckwheat, Spanky and all of the He Man Woman Hater's Club were there. For the most part the films were all black and white, and they were all shown with no commercial interruptions.

If you liked old movies and television, this was Valhalla.

Then something horrible happened. They reinvented the wheel.

In October, 2002, AMC changed its format from a classic movie channel to a broader-based movie network to appeal to a larger audience, including younger folks.

So now when you flip on AMC, you might see Hollywood royalty like Steve Guttenberg, Rae Dawn Chong, Jeff Goldblum, and Sharon Stone. By definition, if the name "Steven Segal" appears in your movie credits, it is not a "classic". The movie of the month is Cocoon people!

As if that weren't bad enough, they added commercials. To a cable channel!

By adding advertising to our schedule, AMC generates additional revenue that enables us to provide a broader range of movies and original programming to our viewers. AMC carries among the fewest commercials per hour of any basic cable channel.

So now, not only do I get to watch classics like Slapshot 2: Breaking the Ice, a film so great that it never graced the big screen and went straight to video, but I get to drag out its 104 minute run time over 135 minutes. That's 31 minutes of commercials if you're keeping score. (Side Note: Slap Shot, starring Paul Newman is a classic.)

All I can say is thank God for Turner Classic Movies.

Happy Friday

2006-08-18T08:27:00.000-05:00

My fantasy baseball team, chicksdigthelongball, is kicking ass this year. Of course it's a free league with no prize money, but I'll still get to brag about it.
This weekend, the evil empire is in town for 5 games, and I hope the Sox kick their overpaid, underperforming asses!
I really need someone to take care of lawn for me. I don't have the time, equipment or inclination to do it anymore. Every time I pull a weed, 15 more pop up in its place. At least when your entire lawn is crabgrass (like mine), it looks sort of good.
I'm really putting a lot of thought into moving, probably to Rhode Island. Why Rhode Island? That is where our church and all of our friends are, and the 45 minute commute to see them is really getting old. Now if I can only get the logistics worked out with my employer, I'll be in there like swimwear.
What is up with this freak that claimed he killed JonBenet? Did he really do it, or did he just want a free plane ticket home from Thailand? More importantly, why do I even care about this nonsense?
What exactly is Ned Lamont's political platform? All I know about this guy is that people love him and voted for him because he is not Joe Lieberman. "Vote for me because I am not the guy you hate!" Is that what politics have come to?
There are only two more episodes of Entourage this season, so I guess that I will be canceling HBO on August 28th.
My boss is here so now I need to "work". Have a great weekend!

Long Live the King!

2006-08-16T14:40:00.000-05:00

Today marks the 29th anniversary of Elvis Presley's death. And though the King died while on his throne, his music lives on forever.

Yes people, Flounder is a huge Elvis fan.

Now I'll admit that he only made one half decent movie, Viva Las Vegas, but he was the man long before anyone knew what being the man meant. For example, Elvis rolled with an entourage long before Vincent Chase and Johnny Drama were even born!

But the greatest and often most forgotten performances by Elvis were his gospel recordings. I swear that his rendition of How Great Thou Art could convert Osama Bin Laden to Christianity!

So in honor of the King today, have a grilled peanut butter and banana sandwich and rock out to your favorite Elvis tune. Mine is Kentucky Rain, but I do a mean karaoke version of Burnin Love!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Flounder has left the building.

Burnin' Love Video - Elvis Presley lyrics

Elvis Presley Music Video Codes

Music Video Codes by VideoCure.com

Flea Infested Friday

2006-08-11T06:30:00.000-05:00

The title of this post explains why I haven't been posting lately. My finished basement is completely infested with fleas right now, and I have been trying to run 'em out for the past three days. I've tried everything; powders, foggers, napalm. Nothing is working. I think that it only makes them more aggressive.

The origin of said infestation is those damn cats. The ones that I never, ever wanted but my wife had to have. Then, after she became pregnant, wanted nothing to do with them. I was stuck taking care of them, and truthfully, I didn't do anything more than give them water and food and change the litter.

I never really paid much attention to them, but the other day, when we got back from NJ, I noticed that one was covered with fleas. I looked down at my feet, and my socks were completely covered with fleas and they were making their way north. It was like a scene out of a bad horror movie, minus the scream.

I made my way upstairs and jumped into the shower. I took the dogs and cats to the groomer, checked into a motel, and commenced bombing. Three separate times over two days, a total of 36 foggers and the basement is still absolutely uninhabitable. The main level of the house is clear, but it is only a matter of time until those little bastards make their way up here. Hence, I called The Wolf (aka Orkin Man).

The basement, once finished and now in "transition" between demo and renovation, will be occupying all of my time this and every forseeable weekend. The cats have found a new home at the no-kill shelter. The dogs have been flea dipped and shaven down and are very happy now. Jake and Mrs Flounder are getting tired of a motel room, and will be very happy to get back into the house tonight.

So this whole thing has cost me lots of money and sleep, and it's not quite over yet. Hopefully your weekend will be better than mine. I'll report back on Monday.

Thursday Thoughts

2006-08-03T09:49:00.000-05:00

My company, actually my industry as a whole, uses way too many acronyms for my liking. So many, in fact, that I had to buy a dictionary just to keep track of them all. It makes sense since our entire industry is based on signals transmitted by Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation, or a laser. But I still don't have to like it.
When did it become appropriate mandatory to tip at a Dunkin Donuts? I ordered a cup of coffee which requires about 15 seconds of your time on the job to prepare and costs $2.10, and you expect me to leave you the .90 change from my three bucks? Then you give me the stink eye when I put the change in my pocket in a way that makes me never want to patronize your business again. You can't be serious.
I'm not going to complain about the record-setting heat right now because I know that soon it will be freezing cold up here and I will be trying to figure out how to pay for oil to heat my home.
I'm going to the Jersey Shore this weekend to visit the family and attend the Lion's Club annual fund raiser. My father runs this event every year, and my whole family attends, so it's sort of like a family reunion. With beer. Lots and lots of beer.
The Red Sox are NEVER out of a game. Not with Big Papi around at least. That's right, the man came through again. Actually, twice this week. He is quickly becoming the Michael Jordan of the MLB.
My dogs have fleas. I use Frontline on both of them, I have sprayed down the back yard and their bedding with chemicals that should kill all insects, but they are both covered in fleas. I have given them two baths each in flea killing shampoo this week, but they keep coming back. Does anyone have any advice on this? Their scratching is keeping us awake at night, and that has to stop. Mrs. Flounder is getting grumpy.
I've got way too many links to blogs gone missing.
Holy crap, the picture loaded!

Dear Parent,

2006-08-01T09:09:00.000-05:00

A few months ago, a close friend of my wife's asked us to keep her 16-year old nephew Joel in our prayers because he had started having seizures. He had been healthy his entire life, but suddenly he started having seizures, usually while he was sleeping. The doctors did MRIs, CAT scans and every other test they could think of, but they couldn't figure out what was causing his seizures.

This past Thursday morning, Joel's mom Vicky, went to the bedroom that he shared with his brother, and found her third-born child face down in his pillow. She nudged him to wake him up, then tried CPR, but he was gone.

The monitor that he wore did not sound to alert anyone of a seizure during the night, so his death is a bit of a mystery. They did an autopsy and we are all awaiting the results, but it doesn't really matter. Joel is gone now.

The tragedy here is one that nobody thinks about until it smacks them in the face. Sure, it would be difficult for any family to resume some semblance of normalcy after losing a child, even more so with this family as they have six other children. But couple that with the expense of a funeral and burial plot, and this family is in serious trouble.

The average burial costs around $10k, and face it, when you have seven children, you don't have that kind of cash laying around. Our church is doing some things to help them out, but the added stress at this time is something that no one should ever have to deal with. Even more tragic is that the funeral was yesterday, Joel's 17th birthday.

I told you that story to tell you this. As new parents, my wife and I took a look at our life insurance policies and determined that the coverage that was sufficient in 1997 when we married is grossly inadequate now. We called an agent and had him over one night to discuss our needs. We upped our coverage to take care of everything if one of us was to die, and we even did a little estate planning.

Now please don't think that I am some blue-blooded guy with deep pockets because, trust me, I'm not. But we also added a child rider to our plans for $4.56/month. I hate to even say this, but if the most horrific thing that I can think of were to happen and Jake were to die, the policy would pay $10k for funeral expenses. We wouldn't have the problem that our friend's are having right now.

To all of you parents out there reading this, always hope and pray for the best for your family, but PLEASE plan for the worst. That $60/year might save you some added grief in your darkest hour.

Now, here is a picture of my little offensive tackle. He is 4 ½ months old, stands (lays) 2', 2" tall and weighs in at 22 lbs even. I'll be taking a second job to feed him any time now.

**Well, there would be a picture if blogger didn't suck so bad!

***11:20am and I still can't post a picture.

****1:14pm, and still can't load a picture.

*****2:54pm, and blogger sucks more now than ever!

******7:54am, and, well, you know.

*******12:33pm and I tried photobucket, but that doesn't work either.

********UREKA!
*********I had to take the picture down because it was screwing up my template.

I use public restrooms, and I piss on the seat...

2006-07-28T13:16:00.000-05:00

I am 76% Asshole/Bitch.

I am one of those people that love to hear the sound of their voice. That and my lousy attitude make for a mixture as toxic next-day-mexican-dinner-ass-drip.

Take the
Asshole/Bitch Test
@ FualiDotCom

Yeah, that seems about right.

(Thanks Nowhere Girl)

Hectic Week

2006-07-28T07:50:00.000-05:00

This week has been so crazy that I haven't had five minutes to post a damn thing. In short, last weekend was great. There was lots of free beer flowing at Harpoon, and we made some damn good food. The porkchop that I made took 7th place out of 32 and earned a ribbon, though I feel like we got screwed by a judge yet again. Five of the judges gave it a great score with nothing lower than a 7 in any of the three categories. One even gave it a perfect score of "9" across the board, the only perfect score for porkchops. But that last judge gave it "5" across the board, so we finished 7th.

Anyway, I will probably post a little more about it next week when I have time. Or not. Have a great weekend!

BBQ Time!

2006-07-21T03:49:00.000-05:00

It's BBQ competition weekend again, this time in Vermont at the Harpoon Brewery. Me and the fellas will be vending pulled pork sandwiches as well as competing in both the BBQ and grilling contests.

I am entering my apricot braised pork chops in the grillinng event on Sunday and confidence is high. These are the same ones that I wanted to submit in New Hampshire, but couldn't because my wife had bronchitis and I had to skip it. That only means that I had at least four more practice attempts, so they are truly perfect.

I will post some pics on Monday, and maybe a recipe. Have a great weekend y'all!

More Crying, More Baseball

2006-07-19T10:38:00.000-05:00

After my post on Monday, I received a couple of e-mails from fellow bloggers that were surprised I actually admitted to crying during Field of Dreams. Well, brace yourself, there are a couple of more movies that have the same effect on me, and I maintain, all men.

Old Yeller - To quote the great John Winger in `Stripes', "Nobody cried when Old Yeller got shot? I'm sure… I cried my eyes out!" What is more tear-jerking than a boy losing his dog? Probably nothing in this world.

Pride of the Yankees – Gary Cooper does a better job of delivering Lou Gehrig's farewell speech than Gehrig himself… And I'm a Red Sox fan! Throughout this movie, you grow to love Gehrig, for being a great son, husband and ball player. And even though you know the he is going to die, it kicks you square in the nuts when he asks, "Is it three strikes, Doc?"

Brian's Song – No, not that fraud of a remake a few years ago. I mean the original with Billy D. Williams and the great James Caan. The scene where Gayle Sayers is accepting the award and talks about his dying friend, "I love Brian Piccolo. And I'd like all of you to love him too. And so tonight, when you hit your knees, please ask God to love him." Damn, it gets me just reading it.

Something for Joey – Yes, another football movie, another relationship with a cancer victim, and another gut-wrenching award scene as Penn State's John Cappelletti receives the Heisman Trophy and tells everyone he wants Joey to have it, for inspiring him and for enduring so much difficulty with leukemia. Joey runs up to meet his brother at the podium, and there is not a dry eye in the house.

Bambi – It's obvious to me that anyone who still hunts has never seen Bambi.

The Green Mile: Seeing the child-like John Coffey actually go to the electric chair troubling to say the least. Tremendous acting all around in the Steven King classic.

There's Some Crying in Baseball

2006-07-17T08:26:00.000-05:00

Over the weekend, I watched Field of Dreams with my son. I know that he didn't really comprehend what he was seeing, but it was still pretty cool.

I love this movie, and I don't think that I really knew just how much until recently. And yes, I cried a little while watching it, but that happens every time I see it. The scene at the end is what gets me, and most other guys that I know.

If you are not familiar with the movie then this might not make sense, but there is this scene when Ray Kinsella (Kevin Costner) is talking to his father John on the field. His father is not an elderly man, but a young man with his whole life ahead of him, prior to Ray's birth. (Remember the title!) Ray only refers to him as John, but he knows that it is his father.

The conversation ends like this:

John: Well, good night Ray.

Ray: Good night, John. [They shake hands and John begins to walk away]

Ray: Hey... Dad? [John turns]

Ray: [choked up] "You wanna have a catch?"

John: I'd like that.

And that's when the tears begin. Every time.

For every little boy that grew up tossing the ball around the back yard with his dad, this scene is a killer. But why?

For me, it's simple. As a kid, I always looked forward to my dad coming home from work, putting on a mitt, and having a catch with me. Then I got a little older, went to high school and quit playing baseball. I quit having the catches too.

I had my developing life to deal with, and having a catch with dad just wasn't cool anymore. There were other people to hang out with, and football practice was starting too. In short, my childhood effectively ended when I stopped having the catches with dad.

As I sit here and worry about my wife and son, my job, my mortgage payment and my taxes, I can't help but miss the innocence of my youth. And this movie, particularly that scene, brings it all to the surface.

And I can't wait to toss the ball around the back yard with Jake.

T-t-t-ticking away

2006-07-12T06:53:00.000-05:00

Something that Brooke said in her post the other day got me thinking about my time management skills. It was also refreshing to see that I am not alone when it comes to this problem.

Have you ever heard the saying, "If you've got something that needs to be done, give it to a busy person"? The idea is that busy people always find a way to get things done, regardless of the circumstances.

I used to be that busy person. In college, I worked a full-time job, took a full load of classes, maintained a fairly decent social life, played in a hockey league, and still had time to spend with my girlfriend. And I still managed to sleep 6-8 hours a night.

My plate was full, but manageable.

After graduation, I moved back to Jersey, worked two jobs, helped plan my wedding, maintained an even better social life, and still had time to spend with my fiancé.

Again, I had a full, but manageable, plate.

In the years after college and marriage, I moved around a lot for work; Ft. Worth, Kansas City, Los Angeles, Tampa, Providence, and finally Connecticut. My work days were long, and since we kept moving around and didn't know anyone, I really didn't have much of a social life. We lived in our RV while we were traveling, so I didn't have a house to maintain. My wife and I were always together, and that was life. Work. Wife. Sleep. Eat. Repeat.

My plate looked like something that you would get in some snazzy French restaurant; Not quite enough on it. I was bored. I got real lazy. I put on a lot of weight, even by my standards. (Side note: I have always been bigger than everyone else around me. As a HS freshman, I was 13 years old and 265lbs.) In short, nothing got done other than the basics.

Then we bought a house with a lot of land to maintain (4 ½ acres), at least by New England standards. There are renovation projects. There is home maintenance. There is landscaping. And of course, there is grass mowing.

By now, the plate is getting pretty full again. My wife is working, so financial burdens are pretty light. Things are getting done. I still have the weight issue, but I'm making progress. Life is starting to make sense again.

Now enter Jake. He is awesome and I make time for him regardless of anything else going on. My wife is a stay-at-home mom, so all the finances are on me. She spends every waking moment with him, and most sleeping moments, so she is always exhausted. Also, she has been fighting bronchitis for like 6 weeks now and she can't shake it. My house chores have increased to not only the yard work, but laundry, grocery shopping, and most of the cooking. Work has calmed down quite a bit from the construction days, but it still demands 11 hours each day, including commuting time. And my weight? At 36 years old, I am the heaviest I have ever been. That further complicates things because I have no energy whatsoever, so even less is getting done when I do have time.

My plate is much too full, and I can feel myself shutting down. I can feel myself going to a place where nothing is going to get done. It's all too much right now. I joined a gym to try to work off the stress (and a couple of pounds), but I have only managed to make it there once. Work and life keep getting in the way.

So here I am now, trying to get things back to a happy medium. Too much time on my hands is a bad thing, but not enough time to get stuff done is even worse. I'm hoping that my wife will be feeling better and up for taking some of the load, but I have to work on the assumption that she won't be, and just get things done. I know that I am not alone on this, and if you have found yourself in this situation and have any advice, it would be appreciated.

Tuesday Randomness

2006-07-11T07:02:00.000-05:00

I think that this might be the coolest commercial I have ever seen. Glad to see that Otis, Marmalard and Neidermeyer are doing well.

Manny Ramirez was the leading vote-getter for the All Star Game this year, but, citing a knee injury, he has chosen not to go. He was healthy enough to play in all 19 innings of their game on Sunday, but not healthy enough to even show up in Pittsburgh? Even as a Sox fan, I'm a little ashamed of Manny on this one.

Why does soccer keep giving me reasons to hate it? First, France didn't surrender as I had predicted. Then, they determine the winner of this World Cup thing, supposedly the biggest sporting event in the world, in a shootout? Why don't they just do like hockey does in the playoffs and let them keep playing until someone scores? Finally, they award their MVP trophy to Zinedine Zidane, the bonehead that got thrown out of the championship game for taking a cheapshot at one of my Italian brethren. Did I mention that he was on the LOSING team? Ok soccer, back under your rock for four more years.

I just got a raise, and it was actually a little more than I was expecting. But my company likes to base everything on a scale with comparable industry wages, and by that scale, I am still underpaid by about 3%. Should I be happy, or a little disappointed?

I am supposed to go to Jersey for a week at the end of the month, but the woman that usually watches our house, dogs and cats will be out of town that week as well. I can't afford to board the herd, so does anyone want to house sit for me? The pay sucks, but there will be plenty of barbecue in the fridge.

I hate my new cell phone that work has provided. It's a Nokia 6102i, and the damn speaker is so small, that if you move it ever so slightly, you can't hear anything. It is, however, Blue Tooth enabled, so I may need to make a purchase.

Johnny Drama is the freaking man! And if you don't know who he is, then I actually have a pop-culture edge on someone. And that is pretty sad considering that I have never seen a single episode of Lost, Desperate Houswives, Gray's Anatomy, The Apprentice, The Soprano's, American Idol, or any other show that "everyone" seems to watch.

I'm working on a couple of "real" posts that I should have up by the end of the week. Maybe.

Yaaawwwwwwwwwnnnnnnn

2006-07-05T09:36:00.000-05:00

I am exhausted. You see, I was watching the World Cup yesterday with my emotions cut in two. I am of German and Italian heritage, so I was elated and crushed when Italy defeated the host German team yesterday in overtime of their semifinal match.

Damn. I can't even type that with a straight face. Soccer sucks! I mean, what kind of "sport" can have TWO goals scored in overtime? Geez!

All joking aside, I reconstructed part of a rock wall and planted a tree in front of my house yesterday, and the Advil just isn't cutting it. It wasn't bad enough that the rocks weighed a freaking ton, but there were these giant weeds that I pulled out that had root systems that you would not believe. They were thick, deep and intermingled together. In fact, I hadn't really set out to rebuild the wall, but the roots went under it and it partially collapsed when I was removing them.

I also relocated the sign post by the driveway. Have you ever tried to dig a hole with a post-hole digger in New England? It is an exercise in futility if ever there was one. The hole wound up being about a foot in diameter so that I could dig out all the freaking rocks in there.

So I'm exhausted, my back and knees hurt, and I've got like 15 skeeter bites that are making me itch my ass off. In the immortal words of Garth Brooks, I'm much too young to feel this damn old.

But there was a bright spot from yesterday. My wife was holding my son and watching me move rocks around. As I was tossing them into each other, I heard a little giggle come from my son. I looked up at him, then tossed another rock. He giggled again, this time a little more. Then I took a big rock and threw it into the pile, making a huge crashing sound.

He lost it. It was an absolute belly laugh for about 20 seconds.

His first real laugh, and it was the cutest thing I have ever seen. My wife could only hear it, though. She missed that look on his face that I will never forget. I feel a little bad for her, and I told her so. She told me that laugh was just for me, and that there will be other things just for her. She said that I shouldn't feel bad about it, so I won't. How cool is she?

Anyway, hope you all had a great holiday and that you still have all your digits intact. C-ya!

Beer is good for you!

2006-06-29T06:54:00.000-05:00

I got this in my e-mail yesterday and just had to share. Oh how I miss the wisdom of Cliff Clavin!

The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, Â smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

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"Without question, the greatest invention in the histo ry of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buf falo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Big Freaking Papi!

2006-06-28T11:04:00.000-05:00

David Ortiz is a stone-cold freak. Never in my lifetime have I seen someone who consistently comes through in the clutch like Big Papi, except maybe Superman himself. In back to back games this week, Ortiz had a game-winning walk-off hit to beat the Phillies, and each time, you just knew the guy was going to come through when he stepped into the batter's box.

But that isn't even the most impressive thing I've seen this week about David Ortiz. In last night's game against the Mets, he was on first base with two outs in the inning. Manny Ramirez hit a fly ball to left field, a can of corn if ever there was one. Well, the outfielder badly misplayed the ball and didn't catch it. Ortiz, who had been running hard all the way, scored from first base.

This guy is 6' 4", 245lbs and had absolutely no business scoring from first base on this play. Most guys would have been jogging, figuring that the ball would be caught for the last out of the inning. But not Big Papi. He was hustling all the way. Now THAT is impressive.

It is refreshing that players like David Ortiz are stars in the league when all you hear about in baseball these days is steroids, human growth hormones, amphetamines, and, most recently, domestic violence. He has a smile on his face whenever he isn't standing in the batter's box, and is very active in community affairs, both in Boston and the Dominican Republic.

And yes, he speaks very good English.

Finally, I hope that you are enjoying that MVP award that you won last year Alex Rodriguez. Feel free to send it to the player that truly deserved it, and go about the rest of your overrated ring-less career hitting meaningless homeruns when the Yankees are winning 9-1. In the meantime, Big Papi will continue kicking that Yankee ass! Your next big hit will be your first A-Rod!

***Edit 6/29/06 - Alex Rodriguez hit a home run in the bottom of the 12th inning to beat the Braves yesterday afternoon. So I guess that his next big hit will be his second.

Filet con Queso

2006-06-26T06:53:00.000-05:00

Joseph Vento is a great American. He is living proof that the American dream is alive and well in South Philly.

Joe is a second-generation Sicilian-American with a ninth-grade education, a strong work ethic, uncompromising principals and a thriving business. He is the owner of Geno's Steaks in South Philly, possibly my favorite spot to eat on the planet.

He is currently a lightning-rod of controversy since he posted a little sign in his window basically saying to place your order in English. (Of course, you don't place your order in English at Geno's. It's more of a cryptic language that is only spoken in Philly, "I'll have a Provolone wit," which simply means a steak sandwich with Provolone cheese and onions. See what I mean? Cryptic)

Actually, there are three signs as you can see to the right. Two of them are regarding the language and service issue, and the other is about a cop named Daniel Faulkner that was murdered in Philly 25 years ago. If you read the story about Faulkner, you would be very surprised that any of the Hollywood elite eat at his restaurant, considering many of them support his convicted murderer.

Anyway, back to the no English, no service issue, some people have called Joe a hypocrite for posting this sign, because his grandparents did not speak English when they immigrated here in the 1920's. But I completely disagree with that opinion, mainly because it is an apples-to-oranges comparison.

You see, Joe's grandparents came to this country legally. Many of his non-English speaking patrons are here illegally. Joe's grandparents wanted to be American's and struggled to learn English. Most illegal aliens only want the rights, protections and jobs that America affords them, and they have no interest in becoming Americans or speaking English.

I support Joe Vento, and I am proud to say so.

Incidentally, Geno's has never turned anyone away that was trying to place an order, in English or otherwise.

I'm Back....

2006-06-21T10:01:00.000-05:00

It's been an exciting couple of weeks around here, and by exciting, of course I mean exhausting. All last week, I was working on a construction project near Providence and I never really made it to the office. When I was there, it was only to check e-mail, so I missed all of my blogger buds.

This past weekend, we took a trip down to the Jersey Shore to visit my folks. Can you say, trip from hell?

First, we left later than I wanted to on Friday night. Then, when we crossed into New York, I noticed that the rear-end of the Explorer was kinda wobbly, like the lug nuts were loose or something. I pulled off the road and checked them, and both sets on the back were loose by a full turn. I jacked it up and tightened everything down and proceeded on my way.

We only got another mile or so and the wobble returned. I slowed down to about 45, and it went away. At this point, we were half-way to the shore, so I decide to limp it down there and get it looked at in the morning.

That's when we hit the traffic. One would think that traffic wouldn't be all that bad at 11:00pm on a Friday night, right? Unfortunately, that is when the DOT thought it would be a good idea to close three lanes on the upper level of the George Washington bridge. It took us an hour an a half to go seven miles. We finally made it to the shore at 3am. Uggh.

But that was only the start of the bad news. The next morning, I took the Explorer in to the dealership to get looked at. The verdict: A bent rear passenger side axle and a bad driver-side wheel bearing. Cost to repair: $906.87. Of course no parts were in stock, so they needed to order them and thought that they would come in Tuesday or Wednesday.

So I had to call my boss and tell him that I was broke down at the Jersey shore and needed a couple of days off to get the car fixed. Not even I would believe an excuse like that, but he was cool about it.

Luckily, the parts came in yesterday and they had it ready to go by 5pm, so we came back last night. On the bright side, I got to celebrate my first Father's Day with my son and my dad, so that was cool.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

2006-06-08T08:36:00.000-05:00

The Good: I actually found my receipt and WalMart gave me a full refund.
The Bad: My sort-of-new 32" Sanyo HDTV just stopped working yesterday.
The Ugly: Truth is that I had the TV inside the fireplace in my living room. It was only there temporarily while I remodel my family room in the basement. It's been there since March 24th and we've not had any problems, until yesterday. It was raining so hard that the water actually came down the flue and shorted the TV out.

The Good: It's still freaking running!
The Bad: I saw a Chevy Chevette in the HOV lane this morning on my ride to the office. The ultimate shitbox!
The Ugly: My friend Alex had a Chevette when we were in college, and he used to tell girls that he had a Vette. He's a corporate lawyer now and can have just about any car he wants.

The Good: My contractor cancelled work this coming weekend, so I don't have to work and am free to go to NH for the BBQ contest.
The Bad: My wife is sick and will most likely have bronchitis by tomorrow.
The Ugly: I have a killer recipe for an apricot-braised pork chop that would probably have done well in competition, but I will probably sit out the contest and take care of my wife and son. Yeah, I know, You're supposed to take care of your family! Whaddya want a cookie?

The Good: I would live closer to my friends and family.
The Bad: I would live closer to my family.
The Ugly: The company may not even back-fill the position since we're been laying off people like crazy, so it is unlikely that I will be able to transfer to the New Jersey division.

The Good: I'm still alive!
The Bad: Eric Gregg died from a massive stroke this week. He was 55-years old, and overweight his entire life.
The Ugly: I will be 55 when my son is a senior in high school. I currently outweigh Eric Gregg. If I don't start making some changes now, I may not see him graduate.

The Good: I've just had a revelation.
The Bad: I may come up with some reason to not act on that revelation.
The Ugly: I know the consequences of doing nothing, but part of me doesn't care. I care about my son, but not about me.

Apathy sucks.

Baby GAP Rules!

2006-06-05T12:07:00.000-05:00

My wife got a Baby GAP gift certificate from one of her girlfriends, and this is the outfit that she picked out. Man, fifty bucks doesn't go nearly as far as it used to!

Anyway, it's been a couple of months, so I thought that it was about time for a gratuitous photo of my beautiful little boy...

(Yes, his daddy does have a very hairy chest.)

Fired Up Friday, Part Troi

2006-06-02T09:14:00.000-05:00

Ok, so this is going to be a weekly thing. I figure that something will inevitably piss me off at least once a week, so this is as a good time and place to bitch about it as any.

Robert Kosilek wants to have a sex change operation.

His therapist, who is treating him for gender identity disorder, says that he will commit suicide if he is unable to complete the transformation into a woman. The 57-year old man has already received psychotherapy, female hormone treatments and laser hair removal.

All of this, so far, has been at the expense of Massachusetts taxpayers.

You see, Robert, who prefers to be called "Michelle", was sentenced to life in prison without parole for murdering his wife by wrapping a wire around her neck and strangling her.

He already won his initial 2002 lawsuit where he claimed that the department of corrections was violating his civil rights and subjecting him to cruel and unusual punishment by refusing to provide treatment for his gender-identity disorder. That is why he was able to get the hormones and hair removal.

Laser hair removal? Hormone treatments? Gender reassignment surgery? Try getting your HMO to pay for those little numbers!

But some federal judge was more than happy to let hard-working, tax-paying Americans pick up the tab for a convicted murderer.

So if he wins his case and has this surgery, would he be transferred to a women's prison? And if he wins, then doesn't that just provide incentive for any transtestical that wants the surgery to commit a felony and have the state pick up the tab? Shouldn't the role of the department of corrections be to discourage crime?

Ugggh!

**Of course, there are pictures of shim, but blogger sucks and won't let me upload them.

***In an unrelated note, I got fucked at the drive-thru again this morning. I knew it was coming when I told the girl my order and she replied with "Que?" I ordered the double croisandwich with bacon and sausage, which she initially thought was double sausage, and then I actually received ham and sausage. To make matters worse, I paid the girl at the window, she closed the window, came back almost two minutes later and asked if I needed anything else.

"Uh, yeah. How about giving me the food that I just paid you for?"

Dumbass!

Nothing ventured, nothing gained

2006-05-30T07:23:00.000-05:00

I love Memorial Day Weekend. Yeah, sure, there are the obvious reasons like cookouts, it being the "official" start to summer and a paid holiday from work, but I have another reason that I like it. World War II movies. I love old (and new) war movies.

This past weekend, I watched all or parts of Saving Private Ryan, Bridge on the River Kwai, A Bridge Too Far, In Harm's Way, The Great Escape, The Longest Day, Sands of Iwo Jima, and all 11 episodes of Band of Brothers. If you haven't ever seen Band of Brothers, I highly, highly recommend watching it.

Which brings me to my next thought: I own almost all of these movies on DVD, but I get really happy when they are on television. Why is that? I have the same question regarding music. I have a ton of CDs, but there is a special excitement that I feel when I hear a song on the radio that I really like, even if I have that CD. Am I alone on this, or do some of you feel the same way?

Moving along, I did a little BBQ practice this past weekend and learned that it makes a huge difference when I brine chicken for about 10 hours before smoking it. It adds tenderness and a little flavor as well.

I have also come to the determination that I am either the worst or the best neighbor in the world, depending on what you like in a neighbor. If you like a friendly guy that stops by to say hello, waves to you while you are mowing the grass and maintains his yard, then you would hate me as a neighbor.

People moved in across the street from us back in February and we still haven't met them. Sure, we've waved to them as they have pulled out of their driveway, but there has been no formal introduction whatsoever. And my lawn? It was knee high before I cut it this past weekend, but I have a good excuse. The deck belt on my tractor was broken, and I simply didn't have time to fix it until the other day.

But here is the good part of having me as a neighbor. I will never bother you. Ever. I'm sort of like Melvin Udall in As Good As It Gets. I don't want to know my neighbors any more than I have to. I just want to coexist.

After re-reading this post, I have come to the determination that I am a lazy, antisocial hermit.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Fired Up Friday, Part Deux

2006-05-26T07:14:00.000-05:00

HARTFORD, Conn. -- High school football coaches in Connecticut will have to be good sports this fall -- or risk a suspension.

The football committee of the Connecticut Interscholastic Athletic Conference, which governs high school sports, is adopting a "score management" policy that will suspend coaches whose teams win by more than 50 points.

A rout is considered an unsportsmanlike infraction and the coach of the offending team will be disqualified from coaching the next game, said Tony Mosa, assistant executive director of the Cheshire, Conn. - based conference.

Some states, including Iowa, continuously run the game clock in the second half if a team has a 35-point lead. The Connecticut committee rejected a similar proposal because members thought it would unfairly cut into backups' playing time.

This is a joke, right? The athletic conference isn't really trying to have an influence on the final score of high school football games, are they? Please tell me that I woke up this morning in The People's Republic of China because there is no way that this should be happening in America.

The premise, I must admit is a good one because there are some asshole coaches that intentionally try to run up the score of games by calling timeouts, continuing to pass or going for it on fourth down when they are already ahead by 30 points. But the score of a game should be decided on the field by the players, not in some conference room in Hartford by a governing body.

Besides, what is the purpose of this rule? To save a child's self esteem? This ruling will not help children, in fact, it may hurt them.

Let's face it, life is not fair. Sometimes in life, you will take an ass kicking, and you should learn that early on. It will build your character as you battle through it. I personally believe that you can never truly learn what it takes to win until you do some losing. And sometimes, the loss will be significant.

But you have to pick yourself up and move forward. It's these lessons that we learn early in life that help determine who we will become later. If a child is shown that someone will protect them from getting their ass kicked on the football field, then what is their incentive to actually try avoid getting the ass-kicking in the first place? More importantly, how is that child going to deal with getting laid off from their job later in life?

I have read that there are actually youth baseball and soccer leagues where they don't keep score and everyone gets a trophy at the end of the year. Many schools no longer reveal class rankings or name a valedictorian. What kind of a message does this send to our children?

Again, let’s face it, some children are smarter, more athletic, more determined, more talented, or more attractive than others. It's a fact. So why do we keep trying to make the other less intelligent, less athletic, less determined, or less attractive kids feel better by deceiving them? I don't get it.

As for the implementation of this rule, how does the coach tell a backup player to go into the game and not play to the best of his ability? This committee though it would be unfair to cut into a backup's playing time, but would it really be fair to tell him to go into the game and play at half his ability level? That is when players get hurt. And anyone that has ever competed in organized sports can confirm that.

Bottom line, I believe that children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. But don't deceive them.

Please.

*** You know that I am pissed about this because I really wanted to post today about it being John Wayne's birthday, and how you should celebrate it by watching The Quiet Man today on Turner Classic Movies. Errrrrrr.

You win some, you lose some....

2006-05-24T06:45:00.000-05:00

So the competition part of the BBQ weekend didn't turn out as good as we had hoped, but I had a great time with the fellas regardless. We drank a bunch of beer, ate good food and cracked on each other and everyone around us for 36 hours. (BTW - Don't ever be the first one to fall asleep!!!)

Judging in these contests is so subjective, and unfortunately it was very inconsistent as well. All entries are judged in three categories; appearance, tenderness and taste. All of the scoring is done on a scale of 1-9 and is weighted; tenderness is worth twice as much as appearance, and taste, twice as much as tenderness.
Well, my boudin entry for received three 9s, two 8s and one 3 for appearance. There were discrepancies in scoring for all of the teams, so its really not sour grapes on my part, just a reality that we had to deal with. Overall, we finished 10th in grilling and 15th in BBQ, unacceptable by our standards.
Now is the fun part. We get to plan and practice our new recipes for the next contest in New Hampshire June 10th & 11th. I'll keep you posted on what I am making, but I think that Mango Habanero Chicken may be on the menu.

In keeping with the BBQ theme, here is a little humor…

BBQ - A MAN'S THING

After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon be coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events is put into motion:

Routine...
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks' her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:
7) THE MAN TURNS THE MEAT.

More routine.... .
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

Important again:
9) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

Routine again ......
10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

Swine Fever

2006-05-19T07:53:00.000-05:00

This is it! The weekend for which we have been waiting all winter!

Tomorrow is the Second Annual Rhode Island State Barbecue Championship, the first competition of the 2006 NEBS season. My team will be entering both the grilling and barbecue competitions, and we plan on taking home some cash and hardware.

It's a two day event, with teams competing in a grilling contest on Saturday and the barbecue portion on Sunday. The grilling categories are Grilled Appetizer, Foods of New Orleans, Seafood and Country Style Ribs. As usual, the barbecue categories are chicken, pork shoulder, beef brisket and pork ribs.

Though it is a group effort, we each take a grilling category and make it ourselves. I am making the "Foods of New Orleans" with a homemade Shrimp and Andouille Boudin.

For those of you that think this is some kind of a joke, I assure you that it is not. We take this very seriously. Well, at least as seriously as one can take staying up all night with the guys, drinking beer and cooking delicious food.

These contests are my only break from reality this summer, unless I can somehow score some Buffett tickets for August. It is the only time that I can hang with the fellas and kick back sans Mrs. Flounder and baby Jake, so I intend to live it up.

The best part of the contests is the extra food. See, we make like three whole pork shoulders, totaling around 20 lbs. We turn in the very best looking and tasting portions, and have the rest for lunch or to give out as samples. The same goes for the ribs, brisket and chicken. Needless to say, I am a very popular guy in my office on a Monday morning after a contest!

Thankfully, the weather outlook is good for this weekend, so we shouldn’t have any reasons to complain. Have a great weekend everybody!

Flounderisms

2006-05-16T07:07:00.000-05:00

A guy that I work with uses the phrase "turned around" a lot. It's really annoying, and conversations with him usually go something like this…

So I went to the movies the other night and I turned around and got in line for tickets. Then I turned around and bought some popcorn before we turned around and went into the theater. This kid in front of me wouldn't stop talking so I turned around and slapped him on the back of his head. We turned around and got in a fight and the usher turned around and threw us out.

There are a few phrases that I say ever day, catch-sayings that I've either made up, heard from someone else or stole from a movie. They are pre-determined responses to which I default at any time, and they probably annoy some people, too. Anyway, here are a few Flounderisms…

How's that working out for ya? – Stolen from Dr. Phil, I use this phrase when I already know the answer, and things are bad.

I'll take that under advisement. – There is no way I'm going to do what you just suggested.

Go get your shine box! – In my opinion, this is the greatest disrespectful comment that you can throw at someone. I stole it from Goodfellas, and you probably won't get it unless you've seen the movie.

I'd rather die than… - This usually prefaces something that I would dread doing, ranging from the harmless (take out the trash) to the potentially life ruining (go down on Camryn Manheim).

Yeah you are! – this usually follows someone saying something like "I'm gonna get us a couple of beers"

Look who you're asking. – This is my response when someone asks a stupid question like "Do you want another beer / slice of pizza / pulled pork sandwich."

Make it happen captain. – Simply means lets do it.

I love it when a plan comes together. – Line stolen from Hannibal of the A-Team. I use it when something good, but completely unexpected happens.

That's not gonna happen. – Self explanatory

That'll be the day. – Stolen from the Duke, John Wayne. Means essentially the same as the previous entry.

You're shittin me. – Means, are you serious?

I'm sure that there are many, many more, but I can't think of any right now. I also have a tendency to call everyone by the same moniker at times, like "Hey Bubba, wasssup?" Or "How ya doin Buddy?" Thankfully, I am not in one of those ruts right now, but it could happen at any time. It's usually when I meet a bunch of people and can't remember names.

So, do you have any sayings that are unique to you?